Nursemom Confessions Part 7: What Even Makes a Good Mom?

I spend a lot of time on here writing about my nurse stories, my professional goals, and even my personal goals, but I haven't written much about being a mom, which is obviously a huge part of my life. I got to thinking today, what makes a good mom? 

Through the course of the "normal" day here I lost my temper with Isaiah when he asked if since "he had to go shopping with me could I buy him a few things?" I full on was ticked. Ummm. 7 hours at a water park yesterday with 2 friends which cost plenty I might add as well as 2 meals for 4 boys. A warm home, clothes that fit, food in the fridge, private school, sports, piano. Yeah, probably not my best ever attempt to rein in my temper. There were tears (him). Thank God kids are pretty resilient though. I apologized on the way to the store that I had raised my voice, and started to make excuses then apologized for making excuses, and simply said, "I want you to realize how much we have, and it bothers me when you don't but I should not have yelled. I love you." He smiled. We shopped. Back to normalcy.

Guys, I don't ever pretend I am a perfect mama who knows what she is doing. I am not, and I don't. I do the best I can, and love my boys. 

Confessions? Moms are made to feel bad about SO, SO many things. Here are some things I have felt bad about as a mom. I raise my voice sometimes-though it is far less than I used to. I didn't breastfeed for more than 6 weeks with either boy, and couldn't produce hardly any milk (which is why I stopped and was very, very frustrated). I didn't do homemade baby food. I rarely do homemade dinners or baked goods. Thankfully there's Barrett. I don't sew, mend, craft much. I am not very domesticated truly. I do clean. I work. I went back to work when Matt was 4 months old and when Zay was 2 months old. I did take a few years off when Zay was in preschool, but then I started nursing school. So, not only am I a distracted mama who works outside my home, I also attend school! I do not volunteer at their school. I have missed many games, concerts, and field trips through the years. I have left them with my parents while I go on amazing vacations (I have also taken them on some amazing vacations). I didn't teach either a foreign language. When Matt went through a biting stage I may have bit back once or twice. I don't sign up to be team mom or classroom mom. I often crave time alone. 

I am not perfect, but I am good enough. Here's 10 things I do that reinforce to me that the kids will be just fine. I bet you do some of these as well. 

• I am there as often as I can be. Baseball, basketball, soccer, piano recitals, choir. I can't make everything, but I am there as much as I can be. I arrange to leave work early to attend things, do my homework as often as I can when they are not here, and I cheer and take pictures and tell them I am proud. I help with homework all the time. Like, all the time. It is never-ending. When the ping-pong table went up, I dropped what I was doing to go play with them. I drop everything to listen to a new song on the piano or a question about school.
• I own my mistakes. I mess up. I sometimes say a curse word in front of my kids. I hurt their feelings at times when I yell. I am often too sarcastic. You know what I do? I apologize. I am human, and they can see this, and better yet they learn how to be humble.
• I trust my kids' abilities. When I say, "you guys can make lunch"-it isn't just that I don't want to, it is me essentially saying "you've got this." They can whip up a handful of things (many involve lots of cheese) and feel proud of themselves. Both boys know how to do laundry, clean the house, wash dishes. They should, and I'd like to think their future spouses will thank me.
• I love my spouse and model this. Sure, in a perfect world that spouse would be their father, but it isn't, and we were not good parents together nor did we have a calm home. For 8+years though my sons have seen me dance in the kitchen, laugh, and do life with an amazing man. They get to see what a strong marriage looks like everyday.
• I model hard work. I don't have daughters, but I do have young men who have seen their mama work very hard to crush goals. We may be a tad "nontraditional" (what is even traditional these days anyway?) in that Barrett does school drop off, pick up and most dinners due to me working or having class. I want my sons to know that women can do, and be anything, and that good men support this. 
• Faith and family tradition are strong in our house. We attend church (though not perfectly), we pray, we talk about our beliefs, and what they mean to us and to others. We also have traditions that matter to us such as egg hunts at Easter, a Christmas tree up until my birthday on New Years, putting all our feet in the water wherever we vacation to and taking a picture. Lighting candles at dinner. Little things and big things matter. 
• I teach my kids things. I teach my kids all kinds of things: the characters of Harry Potter for example, all about dog breeds, how to treat kids of the opposite sex, how to make friends, which Avengers characters are the best, what the inside of a human body looks like, how funerals make us feel, how sunrises and sunsets make us happy but sometimes sad, how butterflies are born, etc, etc, etc. 
• I am strong for them, but I am also human for them. This means that when I was going through divorce to their dad I got up and showed up every day as both parents as often as was needed, which was all. the. time. When they were little I mommed through SO many days and events and bath times and bedtimes with migraines or while otherwise sick and/or medicated, but now that they are older and can understand, I take some time out. I will go lie down when my head hurts, and they will come see and care for me. 
• I have fun with them. I play ping pong, hit baseballs, go hiking, snorkeling, and play HORSE with them at our basketball hoop. We go to movies, we talk about books, we wrestle with the all-patient Thor dog. 
• They are not my whole world. Oh, I bet I got some of you with that, but my kids are not my whole world. They are huge, they are amazing, they are a very large part of me. But they are not my be-all-end-all-everything. This means I am ok when they go visit their dad, ok when they go to a friends house, ok as they get older and don't choose me to hang out with all the time. I have my husband, my friends, my career, my schooling, my hobbies, and I like time to me. I actually try to demonstrate that for them, and I think it is encouraging to any kid that yes, Mom has friends and stuff to do that are separate. I remember them asking what I did on weekends they were gone and I joked that I "curled up and cried," but my boys were dumbfounded at my sarcasm and I think a bit worried, then I explained to them I did normal things like go on dates with Barrett, maybe have coffee with friends, read a book, watch a movie. Me being ok gives them permission to have fun and be ok at their other house too. Mom is happy and complete but chooses to come to this game, or play Monopoly, or watch this show with us...might make it all the more special. Just a thought.
  

I don't know exactly the qualities that make anyone a great mom. Is it loving your kids unconditionally? Is it laughing with them? Is it making your home a haven for them? Is it knowing their friends and interests? If so, I have a good start, because I can genuinely say yes I do/have all of those, but I think in the end, we all just do the best we can and learn that maybe THAT is exactly what matters.