Nursemom Confessions Part 4: It's OK to Feel it
I got to thinking today as I submitted my last exam for pathophysiology this AM: I am done with Term 1 of NP school!! Sure, I still have 6 terms to go AND a post-grad 12-18 mos program to earn psych certification, but let's take this one step at a time. You see, years ago I wanted desperately to be a nurse. My ex husband and I made some bad (albeit typical for young adult) financial decisions which made any RN program pretty much impossible because we needed me to work full-time. So I did what I could. I got my Bachelor's in Psych, then my teaching license, then my Master's in Education while working full time during the day and attending night and online classes. The latter 2 while raising a very young family. I still was drawn to nursing (that feeling has definitely waxed and waned some during my first few years as a nurse, but stay with me), but it just wasn't possible. I was even told it would be a bad fit for me. "Sarah you feel things WAY too deeply, you would constantly bring your work home."
My message today: IT IS OKAY TO FEEL DEEPLY. 100%. Yes. I DO feel things very deeply. I cry during books, movies, tv shows, heck commercials at times. I am sentimental and very in tune to my own feelings.
But guess what? I am also very in tune to the way others feel. This makes me a better mama. This makes me a better wife. It made me a great teacher. And you can bet your bottom it makes me an excellent nurse. Yes, excellent. I may have many, many things still to learn, but one thing I have learned is that it is more than ok to feel things BIG. I have cried with mamas on the phone worried about their suicidal teens, after poor diagnoses were given, during clinicals when my patient's family were told devastating news, at the still birth of a baby during one incredibly memorable rotation. But also during more "normal" times. I have teared up and hugged mamas after they cried because I had to catheterize their child, I have giggled swapping war stories of raising boys with patient moms. I feel so strongly in even the small moments that the child I have to hold down and inject with antibiotics gets asked for a victorious high-5 when it is all over. 9 times out of 10 that child will rise to the occasion, wipe their tears, smile, and give me the best high five ever. I can't even write that without tearing up, because that is how much I care.
The same person who told me I feel too much to be a nurse, congratulated me last year saying "I always knew you'd become a nurse, and I bet your're good at it. Not surprised at all that it's with kids." Not an apology, but I will take it.
The last few years have been a time of tremendous growth and self-discovery for me. Poor and amazing Barrett has always had my back, though he wondered at my choice of wanting to eventually dual certify in psych. Then I heard the familiar refrain: "Sarah, you feel things so much, don't you think psych might be a difficult road?" See, his mom was a Marriage and Family Therapist before her death, and she took things rather hard with some of her clients at times according to B. But you know what I said? Not "you're right", not "maybe I should choose something 'easier.'" I said, "I'm not her. I feel called to do this."
You guys, that was huge. I am not one who loves conflict, and am way more of a people-pleaser than I would like (working on this), but to triumphantly say "I'm not her", that's not me, may have well been a war-cry as I rode in on my own dragon. There is a fire inside me.
I feel called to help others not because I can't feel it, not in spite of feeling it too much, but BECAUSE I believe that patients need providers who do feel things in big ways, and I believe I am going to be freaking amazing.
So, my advice to you if you "feel things too much" as well, is to keep on feeling them Honey. I am not saying to become more of a wreck than the people who need you, or to let feelings bog you down so much you can't live your life, but I am saying that YOU define what is the right amount of feeling. For me, I will continue to feel things in a big way, because those feelings motivate me to become better. I am a healer. I am a helper. I am a guide.
My message today: IT IS OKAY TO FEEL DEEPLY. 100%. Yes. I DO feel things very deeply. I cry during books, movies, tv shows, heck commercials at times. I am sentimental and very in tune to my own feelings.
But guess what? I am also very in tune to the way others feel. This makes me a better mama. This makes me a better wife. It made me a great teacher. And you can bet your bottom it makes me an excellent nurse. Yes, excellent. I may have many, many things still to learn, but one thing I have learned is that it is more than ok to feel things BIG. I have cried with mamas on the phone worried about their suicidal teens, after poor diagnoses were given, during clinicals when my patient's family were told devastating news, at the still birth of a baby during one incredibly memorable rotation. But also during more "normal" times. I have teared up and hugged mamas after they cried because I had to catheterize their child, I have giggled swapping war stories of raising boys with patient moms. I feel so strongly in even the small moments that the child I have to hold down and inject with antibiotics gets asked for a victorious high-5 when it is all over. 9 times out of 10 that child will rise to the occasion, wipe their tears, smile, and give me the best high five ever. I can't even write that without tearing up, because that is how much I care.
The same person who told me I feel too much to be a nurse, congratulated me last year saying "I always knew you'd become a nurse, and I bet your're good at it. Not surprised at all that it's with kids." Not an apology, but I will take it.
The last few years have been a time of tremendous growth and self-discovery for me. Poor and amazing Barrett has always had my back, though he wondered at my choice of wanting to eventually dual certify in psych. Then I heard the familiar refrain: "Sarah, you feel things so much, don't you think psych might be a difficult road?" See, his mom was a Marriage and Family Therapist before her death, and she took things rather hard with some of her clients at times according to B. But you know what I said? Not "you're right", not "maybe I should choose something 'easier.'" I said, "I'm not her. I feel called to do this."
You guys, that was huge. I am not one who loves conflict, and am way more of a people-pleaser than I would like (working on this), but to triumphantly say "I'm not her", that's not me, may have well been a war-cry as I rode in on my own dragon. There is a fire inside me.
I feel called to help others not because I can't feel it, not in spite of feeling it too much, but BECAUSE I believe that patients need providers who do feel things in big ways, and I believe I am going to be freaking amazing.
So, my advice to you if you "feel things too much" as well, is to keep on feeling them Honey. I am not saying to become more of a wreck than the people who need you, or to let feelings bog you down so much you can't live your life, but I am saying that YOU define what is the right amount of feeling. For me, I will continue to feel things in a big way, because those feelings motivate me to become better. I am a healer. I am a helper. I am a guide.
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