Big, Hairy Dreaming Part 1
So we all know that God works in mysterious ways. I keep realizing this the older I get, the more I pray on things, the more I seek assistance. He has His own timing, doesn't He?
I thought I had made a decision. I was going to become a free-spirited school nurse who planted flower gardens, painted, and traveled in her spare time (when she wasn't cheering incredibly loudly at soccer, basketball, and baseball games mind you.). I thought I had decided. I thought that I could make myself be more Phoebe than Monica (Friends references again...not even sorry), but here's the thing. Well many things...and I know that I do not need to explain myself nor be apologetic in the slightest, because it is my life and my goals, but I also know that I have friends pulling and praying for me...so the thing is:
I've been reading all this wonderful, just completely wonderful material, and I thought that I was content to give up NP school. But...I kept circling back around. I mean, I worked my ass off to get into school by getting good grades back in my RN program, making connections, begging preceptors, getting recommendations, and writing my statement of purpose. I researched this program (that I guarantee you is not without faults as well mind you), for the bulk of TWO years to know what would be required. It's expensive but convenient AND has actual live session classes and a 95% pass rate for the board certification. I prepared myself mentally and lined up a work schedule to support this. Barrett and I got our finances in order to make this possible. But ALL of that aside, can you go back to the first sentence of this paragraph? Do you notice anything with the wording? GIVE UP. Even when I imagined what an amazing school nurse person I could be, my mind still phrased it "give up NP school." Not choose this instead. Not decide differently, but GIVE UP. I literally could not make myself even when talking about it say it any other way. You guys, why would I give up something I clearly wanted so badly??
I have listened to "Girl, Wash Your Face" on Audible by Rachel Hollis and read another of her books "Girl, Stop Apologizing." She's great, by the way. Like, we could be besties-she just doesn't know me yet. I have read through twice The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson (LOVE this book-it is actually about how to decide where to spend your cares/energy and one of the most inspiring books I have ever read), and have been journaling my way through Start Where you Are by Meera Lee Patel. I have re-taken every Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test (I am as we knew INFJ), Enneagram personality test (slightly less telling, but I am Type 2: the Supportive Adviser) and Holland code work preferences test (I am SAI which is Social, Artistic, Investigative)...again. For those into psychology, I love all of these with MBTI being my personal fave. I am "most suited to careers in counseling, education, social work and some careers in health-care." Hahaha. These are all great tools (you can Google free versions) to help point us in the right direction, but nothing will choose our life for us. I have used the Magic 8 Ball online (oh yeah people!) and flipped a coin. I have begged my Barrett to decide for me. I have spent many hours doing walking mediation, yoga, and most of all prayer. So much prayer. Send me a sign, God. Send me a dream, God. Where do you want me? How can I be used best? How can I serve my kids, by husband and most importantly You with the gifts you have given me? I have held tight to Jeremiah 29:11 like my own personal mantra.
I came across a wonderful concept the other day by an Oregonian therapist, Paula Prober, called the Rainforest Mind. You can look that up too (Your Rainforest Mind). This is a great blog. It talks about adults who have many interests and or talents who were often deemed "gifted" as children (but hate using that arrogant term...sheepish hand raise here), and how these same adults are often what is termed multipotentialites. Multipotentialites have no "one true calling" and their "rainforest mind" is always seeking fulfillment through creating, making, changing, learning, inspiring and growing. These are the people who have a handful of careers in their lifetime, the lawyer/authors, the teacher/painters, the stockbroker turned EMT turned history professor turned stay at home dad. These are the people who master a job and then get bored and look for the next place to improve themselves and the world, or get inspired by something new and make that their calling for a few years. You guys, I read this stuff and was like THIS IS ME. These are the people who can't quite settle down into a career, commit until retirement, and often come across as flaky gypsies in personality but confuse people because they are reliable, hard-working, masters of their jobs in reality. These are the people you never think would quit that job they rock at that they seem to enjoy. Rainforest minds confuse people who do not think the same way. My husband is not one. He is very giftedly intelligent in his own right, but he is the I will work here until I retire because I am loyal and it is stable kind of a guy. But at least he gets it. I think I scare him some in all honestly that I am not inherently "stable" but I have always been employed when we needed me to be and held down those jobs he was quick to realize, so I am very dependable when needed, I am just not the same. Let me rephrase. I am just not created the same. For a reason. There are MANY things I want to do. I can't pick just one, but they can all co-exist and compliment one another.
I thought I had made a decision. I was going to become a free-spirited school nurse who planted flower gardens, painted, and traveled in her spare time (when she wasn't cheering incredibly loudly at soccer, basketball, and baseball games mind you.). I thought I had decided. I thought that I could make myself be more Phoebe than Monica (Friends references again...not even sorry), but here's the thing. Well many things...and I know that I do not need to explain myself nor be apologetic in the slightest, because it is my life and my goals, but I also know that I have friends pulling and praying for me...so the thing is:
I've been reading all this wonderful, just completely wonderful material, and I thought that I was content to give up NP school. But...I kept circling back around. I mean, I worked my ass off to get into school by getting good grades back in my RN program, making connections, begging preceptors, getting recommendations, and writing my statement of purpose. I researched this program (that I guarantee you is not without faults as well mind you), for the bulk of TWO years to know what would be required. It's expensive but convenient AND has actual live session classes and a 95% pass rate for the board certification. I prepared myself mentally and lined up a work schedule to support this. Barrett and I got our finances in order to make this possible. But ALL of that aside, can you go back to the first sentence of this paragraph? Do you notice anything with the wording? GIVE UP. Even when I imagined what an amazing school nurse person I could be, my mind still phrased it "give up NP school." Not choose this instead. Not decide differently, but GIVE UP. I literally could not make myself even when talking about it say it any other way. You guys, why would I give up something I clearly wanted so badly??
I have listened to "Girl, Wash Your Face" on Audible by Rachel Hollis and read another of her books "Girl, Stop Apologizing." She's great, by the way. Like, we could be besties-she just doesn't know me yet. I have read through twice The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson (LOVE this book-it is actually about how to decide where to spend your cares/energy and one of the most inspiring books I have ever read), and have been journaling my way through Start Where you Are by Meera Lee Patel. I have re-taken every Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test (I am as we knew INFJ), Enneagram personality test (slightly less telling, but I am Type 2: the Supportive Adviser) and Holland code work preferences test (I am SAI which is Social, Artistic, Investigative)...again. For those into psychology, I love all of these with MBTI being my personal fave. I am "most suited to careers in counseling, education, social work and some careers in health-care." Hahaha. These are all great tools (you can Google free versions) to help point us in the right direction, but nothing will choose our life for us. I have used the Magic 8 Ball online (oh yeah people!) and flipped a coin. I have begged my Barrett to decide for me. I have spent many hours doing walking mediation, yoga, and most of all prayer. So much prayer. Send me a sign, God. Send me a dream, God. Where do you want me? How can I be used best? How can I serve my kids, by husband and most importantly You with the gifts you have given me? I have held tight to Jeremiah 29:11 like my own personal mantra.
I came across a wonderful concept the other day by an Oregonian therapist, Paula Prober, called the Rainforest Mind. You can look that up too (Your Rainforest Mind). This is a great blog. It talks about adults who have many interests and or talents who were often deemed "gifted" as children (but hate using that arrogant term...sheepish hand raise here), and how these same adults are often what is termed multipotentialites. Multipotentialites have no "one true calling" and their "rainforest mind" is always seeking fulfillment through creating, making, changing, learning, inspiring and growing. These are the people who have a handful of careers in their lifetime, the lawyer/authors, the teacher/painters, the stockbroker turned EMT turned history professor turned stay at home dad. These are the people who master a job and then get bored and look for the next place to improve themselves and the world, or get inspired by something new and make that their calling for a few years. You guys, I read this stuff and was like THIS IS ME. These are the people who can't quite settle down into a career, commit until retirement, and often come across as flaky gypsies in personality but confuse people because they are reliable, hard-working, masters of their jobs in reality. These are the people you never think would quit that job they rock at that they seem to enjoy. Rainforest minds confuse people who do not think the same way. My husband is not one. He is very giftedly intelligent in his own right, but he is the I will work here until I retire because I am loyal and it is stable kind of a guy. But at least he gets it. I think I scare him some in all honestly that I am not inherently "stable" but I have always been employed when we needed me to be and held down those jobs he was quick to realize, so I am very dependable when needed, I am just not the same. Let me rephrase. I am just not created the same. For a reason. There are MANY things I want to do. I can't pick just one, but they can all co-exist and compliment one another.
A quote that really brought me to my knees, stole my very breath was this "If you can see your path perfectly laid out in front of you, step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path,"-Joseph Campbell.
So, there are many things, and I have rambled I know. Yesterday I got a text that other nurses were being considered for the school RN position and it may take a bit longer. Ok..not a huge deal, I mean I thought I was awesome enough to not even interview others ;) but totally fine. I wasn't crushed...and I didn't really CARE. Hmmm. Not even a minute later I was told to go talk to my manager's manager. Basically the docs I work with knew I was not thrilled in my new position at the clinic, and one of them advocated for me to come back. To pediatrics. 2 days a week, while in school. This same doc is willing to precept me in my pediatric rotation, and has been a friend and voice of encouragement all along the way. I realized I NEVER would have even applied to this other job if this had been the arrangement in the first place! It's on me...I left to work at the hospital, and they needed more. When I wanted more, they didn't have it. Now they do -since a girlfriend of mine took a different job-..kind of. They actually still need more than I can give so it is an AMAZING compliment that they will work with me as the manager said "for as long as I need." He told me while they couldn't always show employee recognition in pay they could in flexibility, and that he had asked around about me and saw no reason why I couldn't be in my "at home" department while I continued my education. Wow.
To be continued....
Comments
Post a Comment
Thank you for your comments!