Nursemom Confessions Part 6: There is No Plan B
Though I have not been in a classroom since June 2014-the summer prior to beginning my RN program that fall, I have been on/off substitute teacher lists and kept my teaching license active ever since obtaining it way back in 2008. Shortly into my nursing career I dreamed of just hanging up the stethoscope and returning to the classroom. I made myself stick with it. I made myself keep going, thinking that more years and more time in would give me what I needed. But I left one foot dangling over the fence and into teaching just in case.
I would like to think that I have gained wisdom. I know now that no career will ever be 100% perfect for me (or anyone for that matter). There will always be pluses and minuses. There will be days I excel and days I think "why the heck did I want to do this?"
I wavered back and forth though. Repeatedly. I would tell myself I could not truly leave nursing because I worked my butt off for those 2 little letters. Literal blood, sweat and tears guys. But then I would counter to myself that I also worked hard and diligently for my teaching license and degree. You know what though? I always chose nursing. No matter how crappy the day or the job, I chose nursing. I chose to love the variety and flexibility, the options, the clinical thinking, and the skills. I learned to leave jobs that were toxic to me even if I felt and witnessed them being "great fits" for other people. I gravitated and returned to a job where you know what I do like 90% of the day? I educate. I educate parents and sometimes their kiddos.
When I cut back work hours to go to NP school I told myself I could supplement income as needed as a sub teacher. Great plan, right? Except that on every day off I have needed that time to study, or had a doctor's appointment, or a family commitment. I have not subbed once. I won't put the exact numbers down, but the sub pay for 7-8 hours at a school falls QUITE a bit shorter than what I can make picking up an 8 hour shift or a 9 hour weekend at the clinic. Even at "clinic wages", my RN is simply better at paying the bills than my teaching license ever will be. The clinic even loosened their grip on how often I can work saying as long as I don't average over 19 hrs in a 3 month period, I can work an extra shift here and there (it ends up being like once every 3 weeks is ok). I had one day I was going to sub-was actually looking at assignments, and then Peds offered me an extra day that same day. It's roughly almost $100 more. Here's the other thing: while I liked teaching quite a bit, I didn't like subbing (I have done it, just not a ton). It's not my environment, you know? When I pick up an extra day at work it's my desk, my space, my doctors, my staff. It's not a huge unknown. You get the drift.
So right now my teaching license expires in December. It will cost me just over $500 to take a course for continuing ed (no, my NP courses do not cross over for that!) and for the renewal fees. It will take 4-6 months of this extra class while I am studying to be an NP. My financial aid covers tuition right now. That means we eat the cost for all books and materials (like the ophthalmoscope I just had to purchase). It is already a stretch. But sure, I could slap that on the Visa if I were wanting to do so. But when I search my soul, I don't.
Here's the thing, how can you make progress while having an easy escape route?
I took up jogging last week. I am terrible right now. Like, I jog for 60-90 second intervals, walk, then jog again. I am SLOW, like I am positive toddlers could lap me (I mean, they do have tons of energy!). But I am faster than not doing it. I am healthier than not doing it. A friend told me, "If you run, you are a runner." It was actually mind blowing (thanks Erika!). I can draw so many comparisons to running and school. I can focus on the fact that I have NO idea what I am doing right now as I learn to be an NP. I don't understand a lot, I am clumsy in my assessments that I am beginning, and I (as they told us in nursing school) "know just enough to be truly dangerous" right now. The thing with people who decide to run a 5k is that they don't just get up off the couch they've been making butt prints on for years and run the 5k. They train. They do a bit, and then they do a bit more, until one day they are actually doing it. I don't really care about running a 5k, but maybe sure, but I want to jog/run 3x a week for 20 minutes without stopping. I want that to be part of my fitness plan. Right now I am a sad fraction of that. I ran for 8 minutes today, but not consecutively, you know?
But back to school/career stuff: In 2 weeks I begin Term 2 of 7 in my FNP program. But like jogging I need to not be as interested in the time, but in the putting one foot in front of the other. Sure, I know that April 2021 I will finish. I know that halfway though term 4 in end of February 2020 I'll hit my halfway mark (it's technically a 28 month program). But progress is made taking it one day at a time. By saying I am not an NP yet (like I am not a runner yet...), I am giving room for failure. Not once in my RN program did I ever think I would not finish, that I wold not be a nurse, because that was not an option. What if I treated all of my goals the same way? What if qualifying everything and leaving backup plans is me getting in my own way of what I already am? Rachael Hollis has you write your goals as if they are already accomplished. Example: I drive an orange sports car. I don't yet, but that's not quite the point, now is it? You say it until it is true, because it is inevitable. I am a nurse practitioner (I'm just not licensed yet 😏). I know what I will be, because I already am in my heart. No need for a plan B, so I will no longer be a licensed teacher come next January...and that's ok.
I would like to think that I have gained wisdom. I know now that no career will ever be 100% perfect for me (or anyone for that matter). There will always be pluses and minuses. There will be days I excel and days I think "why the heck did I want to do this?"
I wavered back and forth though. Repeatedly. I would tell myself I could not truly leave nursing because I worked my butt off for those 2 little letters. Literal blood, sweat and tears guys. But then I would counter to myself that I also worked hard and diligently for my teaching license and degree. You know what though? I always chose nursing. No matter how crappy the day or the job, I chose nursing. I chose to love the variety and flexibility, the options, the clinical thinking, and the skills. I learned to leave jobs that were toxic to me even if I felt and witnessed them being "great fits" for other people. I gravitated and returned to a job where you know what I do like 90% of the day? I educate. I educate parents and sometimes their kiddos.
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| I had always wanted to see Ireland, so I went. Goal crushing in motion. |
When I cut back work hours to go to NP school I told myself I could supplement income as needed as a sub teacher. Great plan, right? Except that on every day off I have needed that time to study, or had a doctor's appointment, or a family commitment. I have not subbed once. I won't put the exact numbers down, but the sub pay for 7-8 hours at a school falls QUITE a bit shorter than what I can make picking up an 8 hour shift or a 9 hour weekend at the clinic. Even at "clinic wages", my RN is simply better at paying the bills than my teaching license ever will be. The clinic even loosened their grip on how often I can work saying as long as I don't average over 19 hrs in a 3 month period, I can work an extra shift here and there (it ends up being like once every 3 weeks is ok). I had one day I was going to sub-was actually looking at assignments, and then Peds offered me an extra day that same day. It's roughly almost $100 more. Here's the other thing: while I liked teaching quite a bit, I didn't like subbing (I have done it, just not a ton). It's not my environment, you know? When I pick up an extra day at work it's my desk, my space, my doctors, my staff. It's not a huge unknown. You get the drift.
So right now my teaching license expires in December. It will cost me just over $500 to take a course for continuing ed (no, my NP courses do not cross over for that!) and for the renewal fees. It will take 4-6 months of this extra class while I am studying to be an NP. My financial aid covers tuition right now. That means we eat the cost for all books and materials (like the ophthalmoscope I just had to purchase). It is already a stretch. But sure, I could slap that on the Visa if I were wanting to do so. But when I search my soul, I don't.
Here's the thing, how can you make progress while having an easy escape route?
I took up jogging last week. I am terrible right now. Like, I jog for 60-90 second intervals, walk, then jog again. I am SLOW, like I am positive toddlers could lap me (I mean, they do have tons of energy!). But I am faster than not doing it. I am healthier than not doing it. A friend told me, "If you run, you are a runner." It was actually mind blowing (thanks Erika!). I can draw so many comparisons to running and school. I can focus on the fact that I have NO idea what I am doing right now as I learn to be an NP. I don't understand a lot, I am clumsy in my assessments that I am beginning, and I (as they told us in nursing school) "know just enough to be truly dangerous" right now. The thing with people who decide to run a 5k is that they don't just get up off the couch they've been making butt prints on for years and run the 5k. They train. They do a bit, and then they do a bit more, until one day they are actually doing it. I don't really care about running a 5k, but maybe sure, but I want to jog/run 3x a week for 20 minutes without stopping. I want that to be part of my fitness plan. Right now I am a sad fraction of that. I ran for 8 minutes today, but not consecutively, you know?
But back to school/career stuff: In 2 weeks I begin Term 2 of 7 in my FNP program. But like jogging I need to not be as interested in the time, but in the putting one foot in front of the other. Sure, I know that April 2021 I will finish. I know that halfway though term 4 in end of February 2020 I'll hit my halfway mark (it's technically a 28 month program). But progress is made taking it one day at a time. By saying I am not an NP yet (like I am not a runner yet...), I am giving room for failure. Not once in my RN program did I ever think I would not finish, that I wold not be a nurse, because that was not an option. What if I treated all of my goals the same way? What if qualifying everything and leaving backup plans is me getting in my own way of what I already am? Rachael Hollis has you write your goals as if they are already accomplished. Example: I drive an orange sports car. I don't yet, but that's not quite the point, now is it? You say it until it is true, because it is inevitable. I am a nurse practitioner (I'm just not licensed yet 😏). I know what I will be, because I already am in my heart. No need for a plan B, so I will no longer be a licensed teacher come next January...and that's ok.
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