Should Vs. Must...More Musings

I have really been trying to examine my life recently. I am doing some hard, soul-searching work. It is not always pleasant to drudge up reasons behind why I feel I should do things. One book that has been immensely helpful to me is The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna. Not only is it a gorgeously rendered book with interactive pages, but the author also included so many quotes that just touch my insides. She speaks of how we each have things we feel we should do or be, and things we must do to live life to our fullest. This is different for everyone, but an example might be that someone feels they should be a doctor to make their parents proud, but they must be involved in photography. Now, this is not necessarily a run out and quit your day job-feel good book, but one that reminds us sometimes a passion turns into a calling, and other times our calling is not what we are paid for but what we make time for (and then our job is just that...a job to pay bills). Obviously, the happiest people are successful at making money doing the things they love, but that isn't always possible, and even when it is, a plan is important to have. 

I feel like I am getting closer to figuring out who the heck I am, and am a bit surprised that I am not exactly who I thought I was...

I am saddened to say that I think a lot of my shoulds have to do with: fear of not making money, fear of not appearing successful, and fear of ...stopping??? 

When examining why I feel I should do or be certain things many times the answer comes from well-meaning comments we have heard in life and somehow stuck with: 

• you're going to go so far
• you can be anything
• with grades like these, you could be a doctor
• always have a plan
• never rely on a man for an income or stability
• you can be a top earner and have it all
• if you get married young and have kids, you'll never have a great career

It is more difficult to find my musts, and I am still working on that. Going directly against a well-meaning quote above, I am thankful for the stability and financial security my husband is able to provide while I figure myself out. I know that not everyone gets that chance while working pretty minimally. My musts so far are slim: I want to work with kids, I want creativity and autonomy in my life, and I want time with my own children and husband to travel and live-a good balance if you will. I am a very hard worker with great work ethics, but I have also stayed true to jobs I never should have stayed at as long due to guilt and out of loyalty...but at detriment to myself. I tease Barrett that I am meant to be a kitten masseuse (I don't think this is a real thing...but it should be). 

I created a new bucket list in hopes of finding my passions. It is shared below. Thank you for reading my journey. As always, your prayers are appreciated as I struggle to find out my WHY. 

Bucket list revised: 

• Swim in warm, salt-water (at least) once a year
• plant and grow a flower garden
• learn to bake at least 5 desserts from scratch such as cakes and pies
• take a painting class
• do sunrise yoga on our patio during the summer
• travel to one new country and one new state each year
• make as many sporting events, recitals, and kid "stuff" as I possibly can each week
• speak publicly and openly about issues I am passionate about such as mental health for teens and safe sex (maybe school assemblies?)
• inspire and compassionately lead children
• find a way to incorporate animal therapy into a career or side gig/volunteer work-training Thor
• flip a house
• travel alone somewhere for a weekend