Sarah Who Wanders...

I spend a lot of time on here writing about my nurse stories, my professional goals, and even my personal goals, but I haven't written much about being a mom, which is obviously a huge part of my life. I got to thinking today, what makes a good mom?  Through the course of the "normal" day here I lost my temper with Isaiah when he asked if since "he had to go shopping with me could I buy him a few things?" I full on was ticked. Ummm. 7 hours at a water park yesterday with 2 friends which cost plenty I might add as well as 2 meals for 4 boys. A warm home, clothes that fit, food in the fridge, private  school, sports, piano. Yeah, probably not my best ever attempt to rein in my temper. There were tears (him). Thank God kids are pretty resilient though. I apologized on the way to the store that I had raised my voice, and started to make excuses then apologized for making excuses, and simply said, "I want you to realize how much we have, and it bothers me when...

Though I have not been in a classroom since June 2014-the summer prior to beginning my RN program that fall, I have been on/off substitute teacher lists and kept my teaching license active ever since obtaining it way back in 2008. Shortly into my nursing career I dreamed of just hanging up the stethoscope and returning to the classroom. I made myself stick with it. I made myself keep going, thinking that more years and more time in would give me what I needed. But I left one foot dangling over the fence and into teaching just in case. I would like to think that I have gained wisdom. I know now that no career will ever be 100% perfect for me (or anyone for that matter). There will always be pluses and minuses. There will be days I excel and days I think "why the heck did I want to do this?" I wavered back and forth though. Repeatedly. I would tell myself I could not truly leave nursing because I worked my butt off for those 2 little letters. Literal blood, sweat and tears ...

In this day and age many people for some reason want to be seen as the martyr. I work so hard, they say. I care for my family so well I barely have time for myself, they say...and they wear their lack of self-care and health like some sadistic badge of honor. You know 2 types of people who are the WORST at this??? Moms. Nurses. And I am both. I define myself with both titles, and know that I am part of not one, but two groups of women who pride themselves on the type of work that they take no breaks from (certainly not playing cards 😏 but I digress), that they pour themselves into 110%, leaving no room for themselves. Sometimes this is no room for things like bathroom breaks, snacks, or enough sleep. Other times it is more insidious (especially for mamas) and looks more like no time for you to do anything that you want or need to care for yourself. This might be reading a book you like, exercising, meditation, or getting your hair done. Too many well-intentioned mamas let their offspr...

I got to thinking today as I submitted my last exam for pathophysiology this AM: I am done with Term 1 of NP school!! Sure, I still have 6 terms to go AND a post-grad 12-18 mos program to earn psych certification, but let's take this one step at a time. You see, years ago I wanted desperately to be a nurse. My ex husband and I made some bad (albeit typical for young adult) financial decisions which made any RN program pretty much impossible because we needed me to work full-time. So I did what I could. I got my Bachelor's in Psych, then my teaching license, then my Master's in Education while working full time during the day and attending night and online classes. The latter 2 while raising a very young family. I still was drawn to nursing (that feeling has definitely waxed and waned some during my first few years as a nurse, but stay with me), but it just wasn't possible. I was even told it would be a bad fit for me. "Sarah you feel things WAY too deeply, you woul...

As a busy mama, nurse, and student, I will admit that a fair amount of my social interaction comes from these 3 categories: social media friends and acquaintances, co-workers, and parents of my children's friends. Each category is VERY important for a busy gal to have. Parent friends matter (how else would we make it through marathon track meets, rainy and cold soccer games, and the annual choir and drama shows?). Co-workers, even with me working part time, see me approximately 18-20 hours a week...that's a lot. Social media friends are always there to cheer you on and lend advice. All friends are great..or are they?? Today's confession is that in order to succeed, Negative Nancys must be avoided at all costs. These are the people that say things that may be overt or implied that you are taking on too much and likely will (inevitably) fail. How do you spot a Negative Nancy? They say things like:  **Now, let me break down these comments and respond. Some are not all ba...

Everyone thinks that us nurses are some type of superheroes with iron stomachs (and iron bladders), who can get past any amount of human yuck that our patients bring our way. This is not the case. Ask any nurse you know (go, on I dare you) what that one thing that makes them dry heave is. I guarantee there is one. What you may not know is that nurses (medical staff in general) will swap favors to avoid their one thing. For some nurses this is blood, and they have to get past it some in clinicals and then go into a specialty that requires very little contact-say education or research. For some this is vomit, though these nurses are likely not mamas too. For many this is sputum (think thick loogey mucus), or even the sound of it (no tracheotomy suctioning for these nurses). For some it is certain procedures: ear lavages, toenail removals, abscesses (and you will always have the nurses who LOVE these too). When I worked in urgent care as a new nurse, cleaning out the ears grossed me out...

I wanted to start a series on this blog about my real life here being a mama to 2 boys, registered nurse and family nurse practitioner student. I asked my boys about possible names, and we decided that some were just too long or confusing. I did like Nurse Life coined by Matthew and Mama-Student-RN Stories by Isaiah. Call me dramatic though (thank you) and I will admit that I love having "confessions" in the title. On my former blog Cadavers and Coffee which I used through my journey of nursing school, I did a series called Confessions of a Former Teacher...and quite honestly it was some of my best, funniest, bring tears to your eyes work. You can hunt for them here when you have free time and/or if you want to further understand me and my WHY: Confessions of a Substitute Teacher Confessions of a Former School Teacher Part 2 Confessions of a Former School Teacher Part 3 Confessions of a Former School Teacher Part 4 Confessions of a Former School Teacher Part 5  ...

This is a continuation: you can read part 1 here: Big Hairy Dreaming Part 1 . Reading in order helps. :)  I am calm. I am happy. I am pursuing a big, hairy, terrifyingly audacious dream. We all know I simply am more of a Monica person with a fun side of Phoebe mixed in.  I am returning to pediatrics to work with parents and children and my most favorite doctor-mentor-friends in the whole world while I become my best possible self. It will mean missing some things. It will mean late nights studying sometimes, and proving myself as a rookie all over again. It will mean a whole lot of hard work, hustle and humility. I will also plant flowers, chase storms, and love on my kiddos (OF COURSE). But I am NOT shying away from a dream. That is not the kind of person, woman, wife, and MOTHER that I am.  "God willing, I am the only mom my kids will ever know, and I honestly don't know any other way to make this all work-for all of us-without multi-tasking sometimes. So I refuse...

So we all know that God works in mysterious ways. I keep realizing this the older I get, the more I pray on things, the more I seek assistance. He has His own timing, doesn't He? I thought I had made a decision. I was going to become a free-spirited school nurse who planted flower gardens, painted, and traveled in her spare time (when she wasn't cheering incredibly loudly at soccer, basketball, and baseball games mind you.). I thought I had decided. I thought that I could make myself be more Phoebe than Monica (Friends references again...not even sorry), but here's the thing. Well many things...and I know that I do not need to explain myself nor be apologetic in the slightest, because it is my life and my goals, but I also know that I have friends pulling and praying for me...so the thing is: I've been reading all this wonderful, just completely wonderful material, and I thought that I was content to give up NP school. But...I kept circling back around. I mean, I wo...