To All the "Unconventional" Women

 To all the unconventional women, the women who buck against historical, societal norms and expectations, to women who are non-traditional wives, mothers, co-workers, partners and friends, I see you. To the women in your 30's and 40's who still have no idea what you want to be when you grow up, to the women harboring deep-seated regrets, to the women who not often but sometimes get hung up on the all-too alluring power of what ifs I see you too. I am you. 

I am a contradiction. I am highly educated and still in many ways, unsure of my path, my passions, and who I want to be, but I am learning. 

Short of maternity leaves that were both WAY too short, I have never truly been a stay home mom. I have been a kind of stay home while I attend college and night school mom. I have been an I work part time, 3/4 time or full-time mom and still try to juggle every school event, every sport and every THING my children need mom. I have been a work far too much, do work at home after hours, attend classes and watch in horror as all the balls I am perpetually juggling fall to the ground mom. A year ago I even became a mom who shares custody half-time mom, a mom who's heart is shredded every other week and who longs to call and Face Time and text with her now teens but doesn't want to be overbearing mom as well. 

My marriage is traditional in the old-fashioned, possibly overdone way of my husband (despite my YEARS of schooling) still out-earns me-even if I were to work full-time and overtime as a nurse practitioner. I am not jealous. I am very proud of him. It is one of those things that is a blessing and something that also simply just is. We are non-traditional in the fact that when I am held up with going to the place that pays me or when I was in class and clinical, Barrett was all things parent. He was/is all things "traditional mom." He takes the kids to school and feeds them. He chauffeurs them to games and practices, school functions. He knows more parents in the school drop-off line than I feel I (the sometimes stand in) ever will. He worries about dinner every night. I do not. Before we decided to outsource the cleaning of our home, he had taken over many of the household chores from me that I used to do and simply could not keep up with in grad school. The kids joke that I am not domestic, a "hostile housewife" (Isaiah's terms and only inoffensive as I know his heart and humor). My cooking leaves something to be desired and I couldn't iron a nice blouse or dress shirt to save my life. 

Because we are both traditional and not, sometimes I feel a bit lost. I LOVE staying home 4-5 days a week right now, working halftime as I await my full-time job in the fall. I love the time for more sleep, self-care, gardening, reading, being in the moment-so much so that I honestly (for like a second) wondered if I really needed to work at all. But our life has been set up on dual-earning parents/spouses. We work hard but sometimes play harder-we take on projects, trips, plans that require the earnings of the both of us. We sacrificed for many years while I went to nursing school and then to nurse practitioner school to give up some or all of my earnings, at times struggling to make ends meet until B's job took a mighty upswing about a year ago. Now my earnings are simply not necessary but they are wanted as the nature of IT is never "stable." We know this from past experience. We know we need me ready and able to foot it all should the tables turn. We also know-perhaps selfishly-that we enjoy the big projects and trips, the fun times, the toys, the play. B jokingly asked me today if I would rather give up having a cleaning person once a week to not work full-time, and I said actually no. That's pretty much something I love and am willing to work hard for. I pray that doesn't sound spoiled. I guess in the end, I don't care-I am attempting to care less about what others think and to be more authentically me-we have the things we have and love due to lots of hard work- enough said. I guess that maybe was a convoluted paragraph, but I say that all to remind me what I have worked for and that my time staying home more, while glorious, is temporary (aren't all glorious things in their own way?).

Today I had a moment of struggle. "I am not a very good wife in the traditional sense of the concept," I tell Barrett. He chuckles and says, "I suppose, traditionally speaking, no-you are not." I was miffed. Even though I know that this wife doesn't cook or clean, doesn't run many errands nor even drive the kids around much and the help I do give in these areas is slimmer even when I do work full-time. Mind you, we are exceptionally blessed in the fact that B works from home with little travel and works 5am-2pm daily as he is on East Coast hours. He has the sort of flexibility in his job that I honestly can really never hope to have in healthcare. He can leave partway through the day, go to the gym and grocery store, then resume work and put in a bit more time in the afternoon as needed. THAT I am jealous of, but I digress. I am not the kind of wife/mom/woman that you want to help out at a bake sale, to have a dinner party (well I can hostess while Barrett cooks). I am not the mom who heads up the class parties or sport's snack bags or volunteers time at school events (I try but it is oh so rare). I cannot sew on a button or change a tire. "My goodness," I half-jokingly/half-seriously say to the man I love, "what exactly do you get out of this deal?" "You love those boys like no other and are an amazing, involved, friendly mom," he says. "You make me laugh, make me feel good about myself, and have a wicked, sarcastic sense of humor. You love to relax with a book or a good show with me. You are beautiful and intelligent and you truly take care of people in every sense of the word," he says. This man? Yeah-I could loan him out for dinners and motivational pep talks.  I let myself settle in a bit again, previously ruffled. 

What even is traditional anymore? What do I aspire to? I am so damn tired of society telling me what I need to, should, could, have to be, look like, and feel as a woman, wife and mom. Spend more, be skinnier, be prettier, be sexier, be more present. Be EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE AND DO IT ALL WELL WITH A SMILE. It is impossible. We cannot nor should not be everything. God made us unique. Your gifts might include sewing on a button, being home with your children and baking a chocolate cake from scratch. And those things are just as honorable and equal to the things I can do or your friend, sister, mother, co-worker can do. I am sick of the debate of career women versus stay home moms, devastated for the women (and men) who never even had that choice to make. Find what you do and do it well. Do it with your heart. Make a list of the things you don't do and then THROW them away. Set them on fire. Replace them with a list of the things you DO.

Share your thoughts with me-the ways you have felt not-enough, and the ways you are overcoming by realizing all that you actually are. My love to you. What are you unconventional in?? I'll go first below:

1. I do not cook.
2. I do not clean.
3. I do not sew.
4. I do not craft.

You know what? I CAN learn to do these things if I want to, so instead let me empower myself by what I DO bring to the table. 

1. I can diagnose and treat illness and injury. 
2. I can help keep you well. 
3. I can listen and empathize no matter what darkness you are going through, it will never be too dark nor too deep to scare me away.
4. I can love my sons wholeheartedly, intentionally-teaching them that women and men can be whoever they please and have relationships that need only be built on love and agreements to divvy up what each person does best. 
5. I can learn whatever I set my mind to as I am curious and studious. 
6. There is nothing that is off-limits in a conversation with me. I much prefer deep, meaningful conversation to trivial small-talk.

This is just a start. I can be flexible enough for some killer yoga moves and make a wicked chicken and cream cheese enchilada (1 of the only things my kids ask me to cook). I can decorate the socks off of a house (if they had socks-maybe a mixed metaphor). My point is that we are all more than the expectations of others that we put on ourselves. We all shine in our own ways, and that is beautiful and powerful. More than that though, IT IS ENOUGH.