Why Introverts Can Make Great Parents

There is a lot more attention on introverts these days. While there are many reasons our fun loving, charismatic, outgoing counterparts make good parents too, this post is for the introverts.

I have to be perfectly honest here. There are times that I have doubted myself for having children. 

When I was a young adult I never figured that I would have children. I thought that I would be a career woman, married of course, and devote my life and time to my relationship, my job, and traveling the world (duh). In many ways I thought I would be perfectly happy without children, and that probably sounds terrible. Both my boys were planned pregnancies and both of them were at good points in my life after I had grown up a little bit and was prepared to be a little less selfish. I had Matthew at age 24 and Isaiah at age 27. I love my sons more than life itself and they have brought so much joy and fulfillment. Sometimes though I have wondered if being an introvert mom is detrimental to them.

Why might I think that? Well, I don’t always want to interact with my kiddos. I usually don’t want to play on the floor. I don’t actually like having play dates very much at all nor do I have much time for them being a working mom. I never liked taking Mommy and Me type classes either even during a short period while I was working part time or going to school. Basically, I didn’t want to take my kids out to socialize much. I was perfectly content to nurture them in every way possible within our own home or even going out but with activities just for us (read: no friendly strangers thank you very much). 

I distinctly remember nobody telling me how excruciatingly HARD being a mom to infants and toddlers was. I felt like I was in some type of sadistic boot camp. Some moms LOVE this time. Good for you. Seriously, kind of jealous.  Can I be 100% real? I thought I was never going to make it through. These children needed EVERYTHING from me. They were ON me. ALL the time. I couldn't shower, pee, or sleep alone. You guys, I thrive on alone time. I couldn't have a sane thought. I remember Isaiah being a baby and Matt a toddler and sitting on their bedroom floor having a bit of a breakdown while I begged my then husband to "please just take them for a few hours." I adore my kids now (I did then too, it was just harder). I love that they are little people with dreams, goals, thoughts and that they can feed themselves breakfast and no longer wake me at 5:00 AM on my only day to sleep in. I love that I can now tell them when I am at my limit and just need a dang moment. It often goes like this, "Mom needs a bit of quiet or I will cut you." Totally joking obviously, and the boys giggle and roll their eyes and this magical thing happens: they give me some space.

I think Matt gets it. I have him pegged as an introvert as well. He exerts himself with sports and choir, but then he comes home and he shoots hoops by himself outside, or goes for a trail run, or reads. Isaiah though, he is my tornado, my Tasmanian devil, my the-volume-in-the-room-increases-the-second-he-walks-in kid.  As of late I have been reminding myself of his amazing traits, and that he has different needs than I do. This sometimes takes me really struggling a bit to fake it 'til I make it with his enthusiasm, but the important thing is that I am trying, and he knows that (see #10 below). 

I think every mom has guilt of some type. I used to feel guilty for working, and the fact that I like being a working mom. I felt a lot of guilt for going back to school. I felt guilty and sometimes still do when I can’t make it to every single sporting or school event. I am getting over these things though. I am also over, SO over, the guilt that I might not be a good enough mom because of being an introvert. Time for a short mama brag session. Bear with me. If you have met my children, I think you would agree that though they are not perfect (no child is) they are both polite, resilient, well-rounded individuals with healthy self-esteem, intelligence and talents. If you were to ask either of my sons if their mom loved them, I know that they would unequivocally answer “of course she does!" 

How does being an introvert parent differ from being an extrovert parent? Well in addition to what I mentioned above, introvert parents are parents who simply seek a bit more quiet, time alone, and less peopling. That actually leads to many benefits. 

So here is my list of 10 reasons why introverts can make excellent parents.

• 1. Because introverts place such a high value on their own independence, they are not apt to jump in and rescue their children. Introvert parents are likely to be found letting their children figure things out and learn from their mistakes. Natural consequences are something we employ in our home. This means that if my child forgets homework or forgets their jacket on a cold day at school- those items are not being dropped off to them. They will need to be a bit inconvenienced. They are way less likely to forget in the future.

• 2. Introverts create self-reliant kids. In the same nature as number one, introverts don’t like to do 1 million things for other people all the time because it impedes their introvert time. Example, my boys have been doing their own laundry for years. They start it, they switch the loads, they fold it and put it away. I always tell them it will make them excellent husbands someday. But seriously a six-year-old can do their own laundry (probably even younger) when trained properly. Is it perfect? Well, no it isn’t. Sometimes it is a wrinkled mess, but that is another life lesson and quite frankly I don’t have time to care about wrinkled clothes. They are not high on my priority list. Matt has wanted to start looking a bit nicer, and lo and behold, his clothes are hung up now. 

• 3. Introverts let their children get bored. Introverts are less likely to be helicopter parents or to provide entertainment at every single turn. Boredom is good for kids. It is during this time that kiddos decide to build a Lego masterpiece, or play pretend, or interact with their siblings making forts for hours on end. People need to let children be bored more often. Seriously.
  
  
  

• 4. Introvert parents create readers and researchers. Because we are so happy to collect information often, we do not hesitate to let our children join in. There are quiet times in our home when everyone is reading, or times when each family member is on the computer researching for an upcoming family vacation. Why should I be the only one looking into this? 

• 5. Introvert parents know how to listen. I talk to my kids a lot. They are probably the two people in the world who I am the most extroverted with if you will. However, I also listen. A lot. Especially to my younger one who is an extrovert! Because I listen, my children are comfortable talking to me about many things. Matt chose me to talk to on our "puberty weekend." Isaiah never hesitates to ask me questions. I hope it will stay like this.

• 6. Introverts trust their intuition. Now, don’t get offended if you are an extrovert, as I am sure many extroverts have intuition too. Just pointing out that many introverts trust that sixth sense. There have been times when things have been going on with my kiddos that I have known without them telling me what is wrong. I know how deeply something hurts or that there is more to a story that they might be embarrassed to tell. I trust this gut instinct. It is another way of listening to my children. I knew when Isaiah began acting out again last fall it was to mask how hurt he was that we lost Max.

• 7. Introvert parents tend to have less guilt about their own self fulfillment. I do not live my life for my kids. You can cringe if you want to, but I live my life by my faith, my beliefs, my goals and yes, for my family... but also for myself. This may mean that I spend a lot of time cultivating who I am and what I am doing. This leaves me a complete person, not just the mother of my sons. Though I have years to go, I do not dread having an "empty nest," it will just be another great season of my life. My kids are a huge part of me, but there are other parts too.

• 8. Introverts love to hang out at home. This means that home is a haven for children. It is typically steeped in family tradition, ritual, and tranquility. This instills a huge sense of stability in children. I know in our home we have dinner together as a family every single night, even if it is in the car after a game. We always bless our food and often we go around the table and say the good parts and the trying parts of our days. At New Year's we make a list of things we want to do in the next year.  We spend hours watching movies curled up on the couches snuggling, and play board games often. We light candles. We count the days until Christmas. My children have definitely faced upheaval, but our home has always been a place to unwind.

• 9. Introverts tend to avoid conflict. This means a calmer home as well. If something is wrong I am quick to try to fix it, smooth it, or talk it through. We are quick to forgive, and quick to hug. Yes, introverts are cuddly too.

• 10. Introverts are constantly seeking to improve themselves. We genuinely care (often more than we should in a slightly obsessive way) about becoming better in every way. This means seeking ways to "perfect" our parenting and trying new things (within our comfort zones naturally). This is good for our kids.

Are you an introvert parent? I would love to hear what you do well. :)