Being an Introvert, and When we Can't Recharge
Hello, my name is Sarah, and I am an introvert.
You likely wouldn’t think that upon meeting me. Some people have this huge misconception that introverts cannot conduct business in a social world. They think that introverts hide at home in their closets (sometimes this is where I want to be!). Truthfully though, many introverts can hold down productive jobs more than fine-even excelling, and do not completely fail in social situations.
Introversion is not a disease. Introversion is part of what makes up personality. It simply means that the way I recharge is different than the way an extrovert recharges. Being around people does not give me energy, it drains my energy bank. Only time alone refills this energy. Thankfully, some introverted personality types are great at being chameleons, and mine is one of them. You would likely never know just how overstimulated I am sometimes when we are conversing. Thankfully, due to my profession, I actually have a great poker face, and it takes a lot to make me appear outwardly ruffled. I even mistakenly thought that I was an extrovert until my early 20's. I married an extrovert, but that didn’t work out-not necessarily due to the introvert and extrovert combination (that works well for some people) but for a multitude of other reasons as well. I will say that the one word I would use to sum up that relationship was exhausting. Great scientific article on the actual brain chemicals that deal with introversion versus extroversion here:Why Introverts and Extroverts are Different: The Science
Today I started to use my nasal allergy spray as hair oil and luckily caught myself in time. Yesterday I did something just as crazy, and started to put my coffee pot away in the pantry. Make that a hot pot full of coffee. Sometimes when I do things like that the nurse in me says “oh no, is it early onset dementia? “ The judgy and slightly anxious part of my brain says “how can you go work as a nurse today and make decisions? Nobody should trust you if you can’t even get ready for your workday properly." Thankfully the more logical voice in my brain who knows my personality says “no wonder you are feeling frazzled, you have to work a bunch this week, and every spare second you have has been spent working on the house or interacting with others. You have not had any time to unwind. Take a deep breath and hopefully you can find some time tonight.” Sadly, then I have a realistic thought as well, maybe I can find some time in October when we travel again to unwind completely. It is hard for me to relax knowing how much needs to be done in our home. Introvert + high-functioning anxiety + perfectionistic only child = exhausting combination of SUPER high drive, all work and no play.
Introverts are very good at being alone. My favorite person in the entire world? Me. I cringe that I have shared that. Do I sound narcissistic? We need to change the way society thinks of introverts though. I am my own favorite company (followed by Barrett, a fellow introvert :)). I love spending time by myself. I spend this time in a variety of ways. I might be reading, writing, taking pictures, dabbling in painting, planning travel, or watching a marathon of a favorite show. Sometimes I bake. Sometimes I walk in nature or do yoga in the sun. I might be sitting just thinking. There so many thoughts in my head that I rarely have the time to think them. I am often frustrated when it appears that I am doing nothing and I get interrupted, because my thoughts have been interrupted. Does anyone else do this? As I have said before, my brain is a whirly, twirly tangle of thoughts both profound and mundane, curious and silly. People joke they have no filter. I have a filter made of titanium. You would be overwhelmed with all the thoughts in my head. I rarely say everything I am thinking. When I am exhausted the titanium cracks just a bit...
There are a handful of different studies since introversion has come out attempting to define just what the perfect amount of alone time each day is to make one feel recharged and ready for life again. Sadly, so far it seems that the best amount is 5 to 6 hours of alone time a day! Even if I include my time getting ready for work or bed in the evening, I fall woefully short of this number. I bet you do too. Another great article about what introverts and extroverts need: A Success Guide for Introverts
There was a point in my life last fall and winter when a coworker was out on leave that I was so overwhelmed by everything going on at work, plus add in living with my parents while beginning to work on our home, and multiple sports for multiple kids, that I was seriously looking into how lovely it would be to go to a monastery on vacation for a week for a silent retreat. You have no idea how much this idea appealed to me. A week, heck even just a few days, of taking meals in silence, participating in yoga and wandering the grounds of an ancient monastery in Quebec or alternately one in India. Having time to pray, reflect, and just get to know myself better without any interruption. No work. No kids. No cell phone (that you turn and at the start of the retreat). I wanted to do this so badly that I could taste it. I was willing to save up my fun money and pack my bags and go. My husband even encouraged it but I was needed at work and even though I’m sure some of my coworkers think I take an extraordinary amount of time off, I still couldn’t quite swing this. Since things have calmed down a bit the idea of this silent retreat is not quite as intoxicating- though I will admit it still sounds lovely.
I am lucky if I get three or four hours to myself on my weekday off each week and for that I am extremely grateful. I get this day while the boys are (typically) in school and B is working. On an average day I maybe, maybe get an hour to myself. This is not of course including my getting ready time or my commute time though sometimes I try to maximize that commute time and do what I am doing now which is blogging using voice to text hands-free on my phone. It means a lot of editing later but it actually gives me time to explore my ideas and "write". Sometimes I listen to Ted talks while I drive or a book on tape or my Spanish course. Other times though, I just drive in complete silence because I need it.
I don’t really know how to carve out more time for myself and actually the time I have will diminish almost entirely if and when I go back to school (but I feel like it is a price worth paying to further my education and my career and knowing that it is temporary). I will still have to set up breaks though or it will drive me nuts.
Being an introvert in an extroverted world does not make me inferior. It does however make me very tired sometimes. You see, extroverted people need time to recharge as well but studies prove they need significantly less time to recharge and also can recharge while doing and by doing social things. While I may enjoy going to dinner with friends, that is not going to recharge me. When an introvert does not get enough alone/quiet time they become extremely irritable, exhausted, may actually suffer physical symptoms such as headaches and indigestion, may stumble over words and do forgetful stupid things. I came home from work yesterday and Barrett told me we needed to go to Home Depot and WinCo. I had worked a short weekend shift but due to the nature of everything going on with moving into the house I was spent before my shift even started. I am embarrassed to admit that I burst into tears. Then I realized I was also starving LOL. A cheeseburger and milkshake (yeah, yeah I know not the healthiest), helped me get through the trip to Home Depot and we moved the grocery trip to another day so that we could come home, put in more work on the house, and get in just a sliver of relaxing time outside… Literally like 20 minutes. We did crash in front of the TV for about an hour and a half before bed and I guess this counts as recharge time. For both of us being introverts we laugh that sometimes our recharge time isn’t very recharging because we are so exhausted that all we can do is stare mindlessly at the screen. Then fall into to bed.
I am working on meeting my needs and not feeling guilty. There will be an entire separate post on parenting as an introvert soon. :)
For now, I share 10 ways that introverts can re-fuel.
1. We are all short on time it seems.
Dual-purpose your self-care/get ready time by making your bathroom/tub/vanity/shower as spa-like as possible. For me this meant splurging on a huge shower and jetted tub in our home addition. It also means candles, many bubble bath options, facial masks, and yummy lotions. I have been known to wake early enough some days to have a bubble bath soak before work. Oh, and dimmable lighting.
-Too bright lights not only trigger headaches for me, but also overstimulate me.
2. Dual purpose your commute. Listen to calming music, a book on tape, or even a college course on something you want to learn more about. Many introverts FEED themselves on acquiring knowledge.
3. Step outside and get some sunlight or go for a 10-15 minute walk.
4. Carve out time everyday for prayer or meditation and some gentle stretching or yoga. This can be as little as 10 minutes, though more is obviously better.
5. Set an "off duty" time. Especially important for parents, even when my kiddos get to stay up later on a weekend or in the summer, they know that mom is "off duty" at a certain time. usually 1 hour before I have to sleep. This way I can read some, connect with Barrett, or get extra sleep!
6. Take 5 to sip something. Coffee, Tea, Wine...by yourself is key. :)
7. Work on something creative. Scrapbook, write, paint, draw, play an instrument. We tap into different parts of our brain when we are creating, and it is known to boost energy and mood.
8. Read. Reading is often an amazing form of escapism, something introverts thrive on.
9. Get pampered. Splurge on a massage or a pedicure. Just make it known to your technician that you came to relax and get some quiet. They should take the hint and not be chatty.
10. Have no guilt. Okay, this isn't really something to do, but it is necessary. Whatever recharges you (introvert OR extrovert) you are entitled to have time and space to refresh. This means quit thinking about what you need to be doing (I need to take my own advice!), because you know what you NEED? You need to not be in prison for stabbing the next person who decided to talk to you when you were having quiet think time. Kidding, kidding. But seriously, this is just as important as taking care of your physical health. Mental health self-care is fundamental to a happy life.
How do you recharge?
You likely wouldn’t think that upon meeting me. Some people have this huge misconception that introverts cannot conduct business in a social world. They think that introverts hide at home in their closets (sometimes this is where I want to be!). Truthfully though, many introverts can hold down productive jobs more than fine-even excelling, and do not completely fail in social situations.
Introversion is not a disease. Introversion is part of what makes up personality. It simply means that the way I recharge is different than the way an extrovert recharges. Being around people does not give me energy, it drains my energy bank. Only time alone refills this energy. Thankfully, some introverted personality types are great at being chameleons, and mine is one of them. You would likely never know just how overstimulated I am sometimes when we are conversing. Thankfully, due to my profession, I actually have a great poker face, and it takes a lot to make me appear outwardly ruffled. I even mistakenly thought that I was an extrovert until my early 20's. I married an extrovert, but that didn’t work out-not necessarily due to the introvert and extrovert combination (that works well for some people) but for a multitude of other reasons as well. I will say that the one word I would use to sum up that relationship was exhausting. Great scientific article on the actual brain chemicals that deal with introversion versus extroversion here:Why Introverts and Extroverts are Different: The Science
Today I started to use my nasal allergy spray as hair oil and luckily caught myself in time. Yesterday I did something just as crazy, and started to put my coffee pot away in the pantry. Make that a hot pot full of coffee. Sometimes when I do things like that the nurse in me says “oh no, is it early onset dementia? “ The judgy and slightly anxious part of my brain says “how can you go work as a nurse today and make decisions? Nobody should trust you if you can’t even get ready for your workday properly." Thankfully the more logical voice in my brain who knows my personality says “no wonder you are feeling frazzled, you have to work a bunch this week, and every spare second you have has been spent working on the house or interacting with others. You have not had any time to unwind. Take a deep breath and hopefully you can find some time tonight.” Sadly, then I have a realistic thought as well, maybe I can find some time in October when we travel again to unwind completely. It is hard for me to relax knowing how much needs to be done in our home. Introvert + high-functioning anxiety + perfectionistic only child = exhausting combination of SUPER high drive, all work and no play.
Introverts are very good at being alone. My favorite person in the entire world? Me. I cringe that I have shared that. Do I sound narcissistic? We need to change the way society thinks of introverts though. I am my own favorite company (followed by Barrett, a fellow introvert :)). I love spending time by myself. I spend this time in a variety of ways. I might be reading, writing, taking pictures, dabbling in painting, planning travel, or watching a marathon of a favorite show. Sometimes I bake. Sometimes I walk in nature or do yoga in the sun. I might be sitting just thinking. There so many thoughts in my head that I rarely have the time to think them. I am often frustrated when it appears that I am doing nothing and I get interrupted, because my thoughts have been interrupted. Does anyone else do this? As I have said before, my brain is a whirly, twirly tangle of thoughts both profound and mundane, curious and silly. People joke they have no filter. I have a filter made of titanium. You would be overwhelmed with all the thoughts in my head. I rarely say everything I am thinking. When I am exhausted the titanium cracks just a bit...
There are a handful of different studies since introversion has come out attempting to define just what the perfect amount of alone time each day is to make one feel recharged and ready for life again. Sadly, so far it seems that the best amount is 5 to 6 hours of alone time a day! Even if I include my time getting ready for work or bed in the evening, I fall woefully short of this number. I bet you do too. Another great article about what introverts and extroverts need: A Success Guide for Introverts
There was a point in my life last fall and winter when a coworker was out on leave that I was so overwhelmed by everything going on at work, plus add in living with my parents while beginning to work on our home, and multiple sports for multiple kids, that I was seriously looking into how lovely it would be to go to a monastery on vacation for a week for a silent retreat. You have no idea how much this idea appealed to me. A week, heck even just a few days, of taking meals in silence, participating in yoga and wandering the grounds of an ancient monastery in Quebec or alternately one in India. Having time to pray, reflect, and just get to know myself better without any interruption. No work. No kids. No cell phone (that you turn and at the start of the retreat). I wanted to do this so badly that I could taste it. I was willing to save up my fun money and pack my bags and go. My husband even encouraged it but I was needed at work and even though I’m sure some of my coworkers think I take an extraordinary amount of time off, I still couldn’t quite swing this. Since things have calmed down a bit the idea of this silent retreat is not quite as intoxicating- though I will admit it still sounds lovely.
I am lucky if I get three or four hours to myself on my weekday off each week and for that I am extremely grateful. I get this day while the boys are (typically) in school and B is working. On an average day I maybe, maybe get an hour to myself. This is not of course including my getting ready time or my commute time though sometimes I try to maximize that commute time and do what I am doing now which is blogging using voice to text hands-free on my phone. It means a lot of editing later but it actually gives me time to explore my ideas and "write". Sometimes I listen to Ted talks while I drive or a book on tape or my Spanish course. Other times though, I just drive in complete silence because I need it.
I don’t really know how to carve out more time for myself and actually the time I have will diminish almost entirely if and when I go back to school (but I feel like it is a price worth paying to further my education and my career and knowing that it is temporary). I will still have to set up breaks though or it will drive me nuts.
Being an introvert in an extroverted world does not make me inferior. It does however make me very tired sometimes. You see, extroverted people need time to recharge as well but studies prove they need significantly less time to recharge and also can recharge while doing and by doing social things. While I may enjoy going to dinner with friends, that is not going to recharge me. When an introvert does not get enough alone/quiet time they become extremely irritable, exhausted, may actually suffer physical symptoms such as headaches and indigestion, may stumble over words and do forgetful stupid things. I came home from work yesterday and Barrett told me we needed to go to Home Depot and WinCo. I had worked a short weekend shift but due to the nature of everything going on with moving into the house I was spent before my shift even started. I am embarrassed to admit that I burst into tears. Then I realized I was also starving LOL. A cheeseburger and milkshake (yeah, yeah I know not the healthiest), helped me get through the trip to Home Depot and we moved the grocery trip to another day so that we could come home, put in more work on the house, and get in just a sliver of relaxing time outside… Literally like 20 minutes. We did crash in front of the TV for about an hour and a half before bed and I guess this counts as recharge time. For both of us being introverts we laugh that sometimes our recharge time isn’t very recharging because we are so exhausted that all we can do is stare mindlessly at the screen. Then fall into to bed.
I am working on meeting my needs and not feeling guilty. There will be an entire separate post on parenting as an introvert soon. :)
For now, I share 10 ways that introverts can re-fuel.
1. We are all short on time it seems.
Dual-purpose your self-care/get ready time by making your bathroom/tub/vanity/shower as spa-like as possible. For me this meant splurging on a huge shower and jetted tub in our home addition. It also means candles, many bubble bath options, facial masks, and yummy lotions. I have been known to wake early enough some days to have a bubble bath soak before work. Oh, and dimmable lighting.
-Too bright lights not only trigger headaches for me, but also overstimulate me.
2. Dual purpose your commute. Listen to calming music, a book on tape, or even a college course on something you want to learn more about. Many introverts FEED themselves on acquiring knowledge.
3. Step outside and get some sunlight or go for a 10-15 minute walk.
4. Carve out time everyday for prayer or meditation and some gentle stretching or yoga. This can be as little as 10 minutes, though more is obviously better.
5. Set an "off duty" time. Especially important for parents, even when my kiddos get to stay up later on a weekend or in the summer, they know that mom is "off duty" at a certain time. usually 1 hour before I have to sleep. This way I can read some, connect with Barrett, or get extra sleep!
6. Take 5 to sip something. Coffee, Tea, Wine...by yourself is key. :)
7. Work on something creative. Scrapbook, write, paint, draw, play an instrument. We tap into different parts of our brain when we are creating, and it is known to boost energy and mood.
8. Read. Reading is often an amazing form of escapism, something introverts thrive on.
9. Get pampered. Splurge on a massage or a pedicure. Just make it known to your technician that you came to relax and get some quiet. They should take the hint and not be chatty.
10. Have no guilt. Okay, this isn't really something to do, but it is necessary. Whatever recharges you (introvert OR extrovert) you are entitled to have time and space to refresh. This means quit thinking about what you need to be doing (I need to take my own advice!), because you know what you NEED? You need to not be in prison for stabbing the next person who decided to talk to you when you were having quiet think time. Kidding, kidding. But seriously, this is just as important as taking care of your physical health. Mental health self-care is fundamental to a happy life.
How do you recharge?
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