Why I Don't Speak Bad of My Children

I am by no means a perfect mama, but I am a good enough mama. I spend far too many hours away at work, shut in my room studying, or highly distracted. I demand a clean house, and am often a work before play kinda gal.  I don't cook often, I miss more school events than I would like to, and sometimes I just want to be left alone.  But I also love my 2 boys more than life itself, and not only that, but they KNOW that I do. I am excited for them. I know their friends, their interests, their fears. I know them. I know what they read and listen to, who they talk to, and some ginormous hopes they each have.

I know there is this funny thing that parents do where they talk badly about their children. It's used among other parents to vent and connect. It is used the same way gossip is, and it is actually not that great for us...or for them.  It's usually nothing serious, and typically is meant in jest..."they drive me nuts," "he's just like his father," "he's too sensitive," "he's a dumb jock." I got to thinking of this today as I watched my boys, and I will admit that I have done it a time or two.  I have to tell you why I usually don't and now will be making a conscious effort to never engage in this: Our children are amazing. All of them. I don't care if I don't know them all, they still are. Kids are these amazing mounds of clay that can be and do and hope anything. They dream and love gigantically, ideally, and often unrealistically. They are stronger than we think-resiliently tough. But guess what? They also care a lot about what people think, especially their parents-even when they are teens and seem to care about everyone else more. If they were to hear our complaints about them, they would feel really cut down. Don't say it about them if you wouldn't want them hearing it. This is a great rule about anyone.

Now I am a a firm believer in a few things. It is my job as a parent to build these kids up. All the time. Every chance I get. It is my job to make them feel they are safe in my love, that I am stable and caring, and that there is nothing they could do that would ever make me not love them. There is no vase so important they couldn't shatter it, no shame too large, no wrong person for them to love. It is my job to model for them the love that I someday hope they will show their own children. These young men will be the fathers of my precious grandchildren. 

It is my job to show them the type of redeeming, unfailing, no-holds-barred love that God has for us and them through how I treat them. That's a huge job. I get it. I do. I fail and stumble, but I keep trying.

You see, I don't for one second, think that it is MY job to give them "more realistic expectations". Not now. Maybe not ever, unless one of them wants to be a street musician who massages kittens for a living and can't pay his bills...then maybe. For now though, it is my JOB to see the good. Sometimes it is hidden under food and grass stains, often messy/smelly rooms, and layers of smirk and snark. It is still my job. And these things I notice? Their AMAZING qualities? They should be shared. With my friends, their family, and THEM.

I sometimes look at Matthew and this weird thing happens. I see him through all the stages he has passed through almost simultaneously. I see the pre-term infant fighting for his every breath to exist here in this world, the 4 year old with his first soccer ball, the third grader who loved manatees, the almost man he is becoming. I burst with pride at who he is. There are no words to convey it. Plain and simple. This guy is going places. I try to guide, but I can see many paths, so I share that with him. He loves to talk about it. The history teacher and athletics coach, the firefighter and father, the army medic turned doctor...it's fun really, to see the possibilities. He is a steady, selfless, talented young man who is rock solid in his faith and his friendships. He's a stellar athlete, but it is but one small part of him. He is also an amazing singer, a gentle great-grandson who talks and acts with great care, and a darn funny guy who can wield sarcasm with the best of them (not sure who he got that from!).

I see Isaiah this way too, in his many stages, and celebrate his differences. Where Matt is calm and quiet, Isaiah is exuberant and energetic. Where Matt is Earth, Isaiah is Fire.  He went from a calm, sweet baby to a cantankerous toddler, to an intelligent middle-schooler in the blink of an eye. My Zay is a "noticer" of things. He sees what people need sometimes easier than they see it themselves, whether it is a hug, a cup of soup, or a blanket, he is a nurturing soul. He has made me proud by standing up to bullies, not caring if he had consequences-and making friends with kids who "needed someone." He is a creative who picked up piano and ukulele easily, and draws on occasion. Zay loves dogs and horses...all animals and even insects. He can give rousing speeches, and comes across as a leader even when he is the youngest in the group. He is fiercely loyal.  Isaiah really shines when around younger kids and animals,  and would make an amazing teacher, pastor, or veterinarian, but we shall see..won't we?

The best thing: I have no doubt no matter what they do, they will be kind, compassionate, and good human beings. 

I bet your kids are amazing too. Watch them. Dream with them. Share with them, and above all else, build them up.