Nursemom Confessions Part 9: The Fly on the Windowsill
I aspire to be the kind of woman who other women look up to, who inspires them and encourages them, and who never squashes their unique hopes and dreams. I long to be the kind of wife who is passionate, funny, fun to be around, kind, and always builds her man up. I seek to be the kind of mom who is calm, steady, humble, and leads my children with faith and love.
These are things I want, and I fail. Often. But they are oh so worth it, so I keep trying. Another thing I am trying constantly, struggling often, always course-correcting is my life goal to be an authentic person. Authenticity simply means to be genuine. It means to put aside my mask, and to be and to continue becoming who I am and who I am meant to be. It means to be REAL.
Why does this matter so much? Because, I ask you this...if you like me, if you admire me, if you seek my friendship, if you love me-but you don't know me, then it's all fake. I strive to be real in all my interactions. If you ask me how my day is going and it is not a good one, I will tell you. I won't bore a stranger for hours, but there is nothing wrong with saying, "you know, today isn't the best." Likewise, instead of saying "fine," I might say "it's going great, I get to go to a movie with my sons tonight!" I wish we could all be slightly more real. One thing my personality loathes is small talk. Talk to me about space, time, God, your goals, your fears, and I know you'll get a totally different version of me then when you talk to me about the hot weather!
In a world of Insta everything with our lives on display to others, the struggle to be real is...well, it's a real struggle. Tonight I snapped a picture of my lovely bathtub filled with bubbles, a candle lit, the lights dimmed, and a book laid out to read. This is one of my happy places and I wanted to share it. Not to one-up anyone, not to be cool, just to be me. I got into the tub and realized there was a dead fly on the windowsill. I had a moment of dread. Like absolute, irrational dread. I had posted a picture. Is the fly in my picture?? My picture was not perfect. What if people don't like me or think I am disgusting-the type who bathes with dead insects? Then I talked myself down, giggled, read some Brene Brown (she's amazing), and thought Sarah, who cares?? You want to be authentic. Well, authentic comes with dead flies sometimes when you haven't had time to dust. You live in the country. Big deal. I wanted to share this though as the perfect example of the struggle for authenticity. Sometimes there are flies. Sometimes there are arguments, late bills that I forgot to pay, lost tempers at my sons and hurt feelings, a dog whose tail I have stepped on (and felt awful for) one too many times. Sometimes the house is a disaster, the scale is not my friend, my face is breaking out, and my personality is not glowing.
I booked a flight to Victoria, BC in October. A solo trip. My first ever. It's just a weekend, and I am equal parts excited and terrified. Yup. Terrified. Of so many little things. My husband won't be there to help me find my way or carry my bag. I will have to talk to strangers. Every exam I take in NP school and every paper I write I think "I'm surely not good enough. This is where I fail." Some small part of me is waiting to be weeded out. Then I succeed, knock it out of the park even, and think "I wonder if anyone will want to come see me if I got an A-?" I get that this is silly and completely irrational (as is my fear of traveling alone to Canada...I mean, I am not a single white woman backpacking in Afghanistan for goodness sakes!). Also, I have never even thought to ask one of my health care providers what specific grades they got in school? It's absurd really. Do I post too much? Do I share too much? This is ME. So I am trying to be stronger. Realer.
More real is actually the proper grammar though I kind of dig realer.
I will keep admitting my failures and celebrating my successes. I will keep reading books on living my best life like the self-help junkie I am (I'd love your recommendations!). I will keep writing my thoughts down, and I will keep my head held high...fly or no fly.
These are things I want, and I fail. Often. But they are oh so worth it, so I keep trying. Another thing I am trying constantly, struggling often, always course-correcting is my life goal to be an authentic person. Authenticity simply means to be genuine. It means to put aside my mask, and to be and to continue becoming who I am and who I am meant to be. It means to be REAL.
Why does this matter so much? Because, I ask you this...if you like me, if you admire me, if you seek my friendship, if you love me-but you don't know me, then it's all fake. I strive to be real in all my interactions. If you ask me how my day is going and it is not a good one, I will tell you. I won't bore a stranger for hours, but there is nothing wrong with saying, "you know, today isn't the best." Likewise, instead of saying "fine," I might say "it's going great, I get to go to a movie with my sons tonight!" I wish we could all be slightly more real. One thing my personality loathes is small talk. Talk to me about space, time, God, your goals, your fears, and I know you'll get a totally different version of me then when you talk to me about the hot weather!
In a world of Insta everything with our lives on display to others, the struggle to be real is...well, it's a real struggle. Tonight I snapped a picture of my lovely bathtub filled with bubbles, a candle lit, the lights dimmed, and a book laid out to read. This is one of my happy places and I wanted to share it. Not to one-up anyone, not to be cool, just to be me. I got into the tub and realized there was a dead fly on the windowsill. I had a moment of dread. Like absolute, irrational dread. I had posted a picture. Is the fly in my picture?? My picture was not perfect. What if people don't like me or think I am disgusting-the type who bathes with dead insects? Then I talked myself down, giggled, read some Brene Brown (she's amazing), and thought Sarah, who cares?? You want to be authentic. Well, authentic comes with dead flies sometimes when you haven't had time to dust. You live in the country. Big deal. I wanted to share this though as the perfect example of the struggle for authenticity. Sometimes there are flies. Sometimes there are arguments, late bills that I forgot to pay, lost tempers at my sons and hurt feelings, a dog whose tail I have stepped on (and felt awful for) one too many times. Sometimes the house is a disaster, the scale is not my friend, my face is breaking out, and my personality is not glowing.
I booked a flight to Victoria, BC in October. A solo trip. My first ever. It's just a weekend, and I am equal parts excited and terrified. Yup. Terrified. Of so many little things. My husband won't be there to help me find my way or carry my bag. I will have to talk to strangers. Every exam I take in NP school and every paper I write I think "I'm surely not good enough. This is where I fail." Some small part of me is waiting to be weeded out. Then I succeed, knock it out of the park even, and think "I wonder if anyone will want to come see me if I got an A-?" I get that this is silly and completely irrational (as is my fear of traveling alone to Canada...I mean, I am not a single white woman backpacking in Afghanistan for goodness sakes!). Also, I have never even thought to ask one of my health care providers what specific grades they got in school? It's absurd really. Do I post too much? Do I share too much? This is ME. So I am trying to be stronger. Realer.
More real is actually the proper grammar though I kind of dig realer.
I will keep admitting my failures and celebrating my successes. I will keep reading books on living my best life like the self-help junkie I am (I'd love your recommendations!). I will keep writing my thoughts down, and I will keep my head held high...fly or no fly.
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