I Never Wanted to be a 50% Mom-Coming To Terms with Co-Parenting

In another life I was a teacher married to a police officer. We had two little blonde boys. I dreamt of a bigger life for myself- or maybe just a happier one. I enjoyed teaching, but it had never been what I wanted. It was a career chosen because the degree was "convenient" to obtain while I worked full time as a treatment coordinator in a dental office. My husband at the time had dreams too, excitement on the job, and a home full of children. I think in some ways we each failed to be 100% honest with the other in what we wanted. He wanted the stay home wife and home cooked meals, but we could not afford for me not to work (that also was not my dream). I wanted travel and adventure, and big scary goals in medicine that kept getting pushed further and further away. I don't think any one reason led to our failure, to a marriage full of anger, resentment and broken dreams. I think we both grew up and got to know ourselves better. A few days ago he says to me "yesterday would have been our 20 year anniversary had we stayed married," and all I could think was "thank God we didn't." I don't even want to imagine the broken souls we'd have been or the children that would have been raised in that household.

Since we split when the boys were pretty young (2 and 5), and my ex moved a bit further away, I had what we deemed "primary" custody for years. The boys lived with me and saw their dad 2 weekends a month and sometimes an extra weeknight. A few years ago he asked to have them 50% of the time in the summers, and we followed the county parenting plan to do this which was 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. The first summer was HARD. I hated the weeks away from my sons. Eventually we got on a better pattern and switched weekly during the summer, but all school year (except for 2 weekends) they were with me.

I knew when we helped my ex move locally that things would change again. Barrett and I talked a lot about this. We decided that it would benefit the kids to have him around more, so we helped to rent him the house he is in now. My girlfriends warned at how incredibly intertwined that is, but the house used to be Grandma and Grandpa's, and the boys are comfortable there. It is close to their school. He will take good care of it. We decided to go for it.  A few months went by and then my heart dropped. He asked for 50/50. Not just summers, but always. This is the default in Oregon anyway. There is no reason he can't have this. While we parent differently, he is a capable human being who loves his sons, who has a good job, who longs for more time with them. They have shelter and food. They have love. I knew I had no choice, nor do I ever want to be the mom who prevents her sons from knowing their father more, so I said yes. We talked to the boys and all decided that week on/week off was too long of stretches so we are doing a 2-2-3 pattern currently. It is a lot of switching, but seems to be working well. We may do week on/week off next summer just to better accommodate camping and roadtrips, but the 2-2-3 (or some similar variation) should let us all feel involved most of the time during the school year. Matt says he now feels like he sees all his family all the time. Things I took for granted, their dad is enjoying doing for the first time ever in almost 15 years-sleepovers, taxiing them to practice, making a home. They have personalized bedrooms at each house, pets at each one, and even swimming pools in both places. Here they enjoy the country setting with trail walks, chickens, and grandparents (and great-grandparents). There they enjoy being in town closer to friends, bike-rides through the neighborhood, and meeting neighbors (who have kids to play with).

  I never wanted to be a halftime mom. Now I understand why God hates divorce. It isn't so much about the hurt, resentment and grieving that happen when spouses decide that things cannot go on any longer (though I am sure that's part of it too!), it is the families that are torn apart. It is the mom who sobs in the shower because her heart is breaking that she now has 25% less time to enjoy her sons become men. In all fairness, it too is the father who misses precious moments through the years-birthdays, holidays, sporting events due to work, transportation, or feeling out of place. I worry my sons won't miss me. What kind of a self-centered thing is that to even think? I WANT them to have great homes (plural) to go to and love with all of the adults in their life. I want them to have full, happy lives. I realize I got so much more time with them when they were younger, and I will always be MOM. Not a partial mom, not a half-way mom as I once fretted over. I remember bawling to Barrett that I never wanted to be half a mom. He told me that was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard, that my boys know I love them fiercely and that families come in all shapes and sizes. Another friend reminded me that I have had all this time to build a foundation in their lives, while yet another reminded me that gratitude not anxiety is how we show faith in God. Even when I am not there, I am always Mom. Rarely a day goes by without texting or calling.

I am attempting once again in this lifetime to grow, change, undergo metamorphosis. In some ways our new life is beautiful. My ex and I can now laugh together, share pictures of our sons, have family dinners with Barrett and my ex's girlfriend. We go boating with all of us sometimes including the boys' half-sister. I am looking at ways to be thankful for the time with my children-we plan more fun than ever and cherish every moment-but also things to be thankful for even when I am missing them. Time with Barrett that has been in short supply due to his working lots and my school/work schedule, time to focus on my career goals, time to build myself. When this first occurred, a family member expressed concern that how would the boys ever feel at home when they were always going back and forth, where would HOME even be? My mom (often a rock in my life) was thoughtful thinking of some of the broken homes of her students. "They will have two homes that will not be exactly the same, but they will have love in both places. This is a lot more than some kids ever have." So with that, anxiety gives way to gratitude. I am faithful that God will watch over my sons and that they too, will learn and grow. WE choose how we define words like family & home.