A Commentary on Why Millennials Aren't Having Kids as Often...or Why we Overthink
I recently read this article that a friend from high school posted, and it was one of the most eye-opening, 100% accurate works on parenthood (or making the decision to be a parent) and womanhood that I have ever read. To be fair she was more like a high school acquaintance but I have gotten to know her better due to the Internet which is both odd and wonderful at the same time. You see, it was me who needed to grow, all superficial & only caring about myself when this girl was actually already truly cool, knowing exactly what she believed in… (Traits I wouldn’t find truly cool until a decade or two later). But I digress...
If you are a woman who was born anytime between 1980 through 2000 or so you should read this article. Heck if you are a woman you should read this article. If you are a mom who has a daughter who is in her 20s or 30s you should read this article. If you are a man you should read this article. It is a lengthy link, so find a comfy spot, pour yourself a cuppa coffee and devour every word of this amazing work of art that inspired me to write this blog and commentary:
Why I Like So Many in My Generation, Can't Make Up my Mind About Having Kids
You see, even though I am actively raising two children, I can honestly and accurately say that this article really happened. Most of you know I married very young, at age 18. After being raised by the generation described in this article as telling their children they can become whatever they want, I was determined that I at least had to finish college, while I was working full-time mind you, to be a success. I almost made that goal. I walked across the stage to receive my bachelors in psychology while I was about four months pregnant with Matthew- just barely starting to show. My first husband and I had already purchased a home and we had two decent paying jobs given where we were living and how old we were at the time. I hope it never hurts my sons' hearts to hear that I never planned on or wanted to have kids. Wanting them now and wanting them once they were here is a totally different story, but I never imagined myself being happy as a mom. It was something that I honestly agreed to do because my husband wanted to have children, and because it seemed like the right time -we had met some of those other arbitrary goals, (see buying a house). I knew I would never "feel" ready, so I dove in.
Even at the time I wanted more for myself. I just wasn’t sure how I would reconcile being a wife and a mom with also having a career. I knew I was nowhere done with school, I just had hit an arbitrary finish line of sorts. I find this an interesting topic for today’s women that is coming out more and more in contemporary fiction and media. Any fans of Grey’s Anatomy out there? Noticed the struggle of the female doctors (surgeons mind you) trying to decide about getting married and having children? There are some epic lines about not letting a man shadow your own talent. In This is Us, an epic argument between Beth and Randall occurs based on the feelings of Beth losing herself. They had promised to always be a partnership, that one would never overshadow the other but they would work together and each have their own individual goals and passions.
Talk about resonating. After having Matthew, who was born premature and HATED to sleep, I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through that first year. I am forever grateful for the help of a close aunt and uncle and cousins who would take me in at least one night a week and LET. ME. SLEEP. I honestly think I would’ve had a mental break down or something if not for that. My husband at that time loved the idea of children and loves them now of course, but was often at a loss of what to do when they were little. I ended up feeling like I didn’t have much help and fast forward a few years to when he was working night shift as a police officer-if it hadn’t been for my parents moving to Oregon, I would have felt incredibly alone and overwhelmed. Little children take so much.
While those were amazing days full of growth and development for my children, they were also some of the hardest, darkest days for me. I was lonely. I hated what my body looked like at the time. I wasn’t sure what to do with my life or how having these two handsome young men affected my goals. Then I would spiral feeling like I was selfish to even think about that. How did I reconcile "being anything I wanted to be" with also "being a good mom?" What did either of those 2 things even mean? I began working as a brand new teacher when Isaiah was two months old, cutting my maternity leave short, and working long days and going to night school while he still wasn’t sleeping through the night. I have to remind myself of that now with me in school yet again, and think I did that back then with less support, I can surely do this now. But I had also told myself I would never spread myself that thin again. A hard lesson to learn.
There’s so much to dissect in that wonderful article about the state of the world: politics, environmental concerns, financial concerns, and the loss of oneself or one’s relationship that could be possible with having children. I couldn’t possibly talk about every point that hit home in this blog post or it would be 15 pages long. Let’s just say that the concerns are very much real. Every single one of them. Right now we choose to scrape by on a very decent budget because we send the boys to private school. It also means that we may not be able to help with college as much as we would like, but it’s a choice we make year after year because we are building the foundation. That’s how we see it. Right now, they both want to become doctors or scientists, but we also talk about the realities of college costs and other awesome choices like electrician or allied health careers. I think their goals are wonderful and we will help finance as much as we can, but the reality of it is they may have some crushing student loan debt just as I do. I’m not making light of that because it is a real thing that is very very devastating.
On that, I will have enough student loan debt to make many of you nauseated when I finish my nurse practitioner program late spring of next year. Some of it is my own fault so to speak because I changed my mind many times and had a career as a teacher first. Much of it though would have existed anyhow, because sadly, education is not cheap. Another post for another day maybe. The amount of debt will be somewhat crippling, and I live with hope every day that I can make enough to make a dent in it each year and still live what I consider to be a good and rewarding life. The debt and finances is a real burden though when people discuss having children. For sure. I remember even back when we had the boys which seems like forever ago, before I even actually had a career and was working as a front desk treatment coordinator in a dental office, even then we had no idea how we were going to balance two incomes with child care and child rearing. I always made just more than enough that me not working was just not an option. I feel that even more now with me in graduate school. The difference of me working just a few days a week is the difference of paying sports fees and tuition each month for the boys. I suppose it’s a good problem to have, but nevertheless it is a problem. For those of us who were told to soar and do our best and that success equals a good paying job and having a degree, what do you do when having a child puts you incredibly close to not having any leftover margin at all? What about savings? What about 401K? What about the health insurance costs that rise every single year? We are left to fail in some areas while we succeed in others.
On another note talking to one of my mentors yesterday she said something very eye-opening. She is a physician with a husband who also has a "big career" and two children, and she said to me that nothing bothers her more than when people look at her and think it must be nice to have the type of problems you have. It enrages her. She says “I was not handed any of this.” She went on to say she worked hard, too many sleepless nights, and many very stressful years of studying and of not taking very good care of herself to be where she is today. She is one of the most loving, humble people I know who isn't seeking a medal, just shedding some truth. "I probably won’t be able to give this exact thing to my children, and if either of them want it they will have to work hard as well. Anybody could have it if they were willing to work this hard and take on this much debt. So don’t tell me that my problems are any less than yours. They are just different."
When Barrett and I married the boys were only 2 1/2 and five. We actually did discuss over the course of three or four years, if we would have a third child. We looked at every single angle. I said I didn’t want to work full-time and have a child in daycare again. That’s what I had to do with the boys. Granted I had lots of familial help, and was able to flex my schedule sometimes and have summers off as a teacher, but I still didn’t want that. I think sometimes the more secure you get, almost the more options you have that make decision making even harder. Does that make sense? We truly came to a standstill of wanting to bring the life into the world but not knowing exactly where it would fit. I didn’t want to give up a career. At that time I wanted desperately to become a nurse which I knew even back then was just the first step to me being a nurse practitioner. I never planned on stopping…
I think our generation has decision fatigue. Have you ever heard of that? There’s a great TED talk about it- if you have the choice of 20 pasta sauces versus three it is so much harder to make the choice when you have more options. You actually sometimes end up less satisfied even though you had more choices. While I am thankful for all of the choices and opportunities I have… <Are they opportunities if you work your ass off for them??>, I still wonder if the decision to have children generations ago wasn’t really a decision at all. It was simply the spaghetti sauce you were expected to use.
The Paradox of Choice-TED talk
I love my children. So very much. I would do anything for them. Find any amount of money to support them, step in front of a moving train for them. I very much love having them, but we decided to have another child was not a good decision. In someways we let fate decide for us. I would apply to nursing school and if I got in I would go. That would be the end of that discussion. If I didn’t, I would continue to work as a teacher, A career that I didn’t hate, but wasn’t exactly family-friendly… (see other posts on that), but one in which I could probably have a decent retirement stocked away and be somewhat fulfilled at. Read again: somewhat fulfilled. A sacrifice of passion and dreams. Well you know how that story went. I got in and excelled through nursing school, graduating at the top of my class. We didn’t really talk about having a child again seriously after that. We love to travel, we choose to send our kids to the school that they go to as I mentioned, having another child just didn’t really fit into the picture. My sons are old enough now that this morning I yelled out from a bubble bath before class “love you! Have a great day! See you at your game!" I have a true parenting partner which I was lacking when the boys were little and maybe I would’ve felt different about going through that again had it been Barrett the first time around. But maybe not. Maybe the first husband honestly did the best he could because those first years are hard. Freaking hard. The kids are honestly so much more enjoyable now when I can talk with them about their hopes and dreams and have real conversations.
Deciding to have a child in today’s day and age is a really tough decision. The women who I feel model the way I want to do things, having a career and raising healthy children, have a lot of help. They recognize that raising children is not a desert island situation. They enlist family members and friends, aunts and uncle’s, hired help if needed to get through some of the mundane tasks of life and parenting while having careers they love. These mentor women of mine might do things unconventionally at times like having a husband who stays home for a few years, or taking a break from a career for a few years before going back at it full force. Other women I know thrive on being a stay home mom, but I knew that was never for me-probably because I grew up with a working mom who went back to school when I was in high school to pursue a career as a teacher. In many ways our childhood does form our expectations for later in life. But there’s no wrong or right way to be a parent. Not so long as you are loving your children and doing the very best that you can do which would look different for all of us. There’s no right decision on whether or not to have a child. It is an incredibly personal decision. And it changes the entire course of your life. I would love to hear your thoughts… Thanks for reading.
If you are a woman who was born anytime between 1980 through 2000 or so you should read this article. Heck if you are a woman you should read this article. If you are a mom who has a daughter who is in her 20s or 30s you should read this article. If you are a man you should read this article. It is a lengthy link, so find a comfy spot, pour yourself a cuppa coffee and devour every word of this amazing work of art that inspired me to write this blog and commentary:
Why I Like So Many in My Generation, Can't Make Up my Mind About Having Kids
You see, even though I am actively raising two children, I can honestly and accurately say that this article really happened. Most of you know I married very young, at age 18. After being raised by the generation described in this article as telling their children they can become whatever they want, I was determined that I at least had to finish college, while I was working full-time mind you, to be a success. I almost made that goal. I walked across the stage to receive my bachelors in psychology while I was about four months pregnant with Matthew- just barely starting to show. My first husband and I had already purchased a home and we had two decent paying jobs given where we were living and how old we were at the time. I hope it never hurts my sons' hearts to hear that I never planned on or wanted to have kids. Wanting them now and wanting them once they were here is a totally different story, but I never imagined myself being happy as a mom. It was something that I honestly agreed to do because my husband wanted to have children, and because it seemed like the right time -we had met some of those other arbitrary goals, (see buying a house). I knew I would never "feel" ready, so I dove in.
Even at the time I wanted more for myself. I just wasn’t sure how I would reconcile being a wife and a mom with also having a career. I knew I was nowhere done with school, I just had hit an arbitrary finish line of sorts. I find this an interesting topic for today’s women that is coming out more and more in contemporary fiction and media. Any fans of Grey’s Anatomy out there? Noticed the struggle of the female doctors (surgeons mind you) trying to decide about getting married and having children? There are some epic lines about not letting a man shadow your own talent. In This is Us, an epic argument between Beth and Randall occurs based on the feelings of Beth losing herself. They had promised to always be a partnership, that one would never overshadow the other but they would work together and each have their own individual goals and passions.
Talk about resonating. After having Matthew, who was born premature and HATED to sleep, I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through that first year. I am forever grateful for the help of a close aunt and uncle and cousins who would take me in at least one night a week and LET. ME. SLEEP. I honestly think I would’ve had a mental break down or something if not for that. My husband at that time loved the idea of children and loves them now of course, but was often at a loss of what to do when they were little. I ended up feeling like I didn’t have much help and fast forward a few years to when he was working night shift as a police officer-if it hadn’t been for my parents moving to Oregon, I would have felt incredibly alone and overwhelmed. Little children take so much.While those were amazing days full of growth and development for my children, they were also some of the hardest, darkest days for me. I was lonely. I hated what my body looked like at the time. I wasn’t sure what to do with my life or how having these two handsome young men affected my goals. Then I would spiral feeling like I was selfish to even think about that. How did I reconcile "being anything I wanted to be" with also "being a good mom?" What did either of those 2 things even mean? I began working as a brand new teacher when Isaiah was two months old, cutting my maternity leave short, and working long days and going to night school while he still wasn’t sleeping through the night. I have to remind myself of that now with me in school yet again, and think I did that back then with less support, I can surely do this now. But I had also told myself I would never spread myself that thin again. A hard lesson to learn.
There’s so much to dissect in that wonderful article about the state of the world: politics, environmental concerns, financial concerns, and the loss of oneself or one’s relationship that could be possible with having children. I couldn’t possibly talk about every point that hit home in this blog post or it would be 15 pages long. Let’s just say that the concerns are very much real. Every single one of them. Right now we choose to scrape by on a very decent budget because we send the boys to private school. It also means that we may not be able to help with college as much as we would like, but it’s a choice we make year after year because we are building the foundation. That’s how we see it. Right now, they both want to become doctors or scientists, but we also talk about the realities of college costs and other awesome choices like electrician or allied health careers. I think their goals are wonderful and we will help finance as much as we can, but the reality of it is they may have some crushing student loan debt just as I do. I’m not making light of that because it is a real thing that is very very devastating.
On that, I will have enough student loan debt to make many of you nauseated when I finish my nurse practitioner program late spring of next year. Some of it is my own fault so to speak because I changed my mind many times and had a career as a teacher first. Much of it though would have existed anyhow, because sadly, education is not cheap. Another post for another day maybe. The amount of debt will be somewhat crippling, and I live with hope every day that I can make enough to make a dent in it each year and still live what I consider to be a good and rewarding life. The debt and finances is a real burden though when people discuss having children. For sure. I remember even back when we had the boys which seems like forever ago, before I even actually had a career and was working as a front desk treatment coordinator in a dental office, even then we had no idea how we were going to balance two incomes with child care and child rearing. I always made just more than enough that me not working was just not an option. I feel that even more now with me in graduate school. The difference of me working just a few days a week is the difference of paying sports fees and tuition each month for the boys. I suppose it’s a good problem to have, but nevertheless it is a problem. For those of us who were told to soar and do our best and that success equals a good paying job and having a degree, what do you do when having a child puts you incredibly close to not having any leftover margin at all? What about savings? What about 401K? What about the health insurance costs that rise every single year? We are left to fail in some areas while we succeed in others.
On another note talking to one of my mentors yesterday she said something very eye-opening. She is a physician with a husband who also has a "big career" and two children, and she said to me that nothing bothers her more than when people look at her and think it must be nice to have the type of problems you have. It enrages her. She says “I was not handed any of this.” She went on to say she worked hard, too many sleepless nights, and many very stressful years of studying and of not taking very good care of herself to be where she is today. She is one of the most loving, humble people I know who isn't seeking a medal, just shedding some truth. "I probably won’t be able to give this exact thing to my children, and if either of them want it they will have to work hard as well. Anybody could have it if they were willing to work this hard and take on this much debt. So don’t tell me that my problems are any less than yours. They are just different."
When Barrett and I married the boys were only 2 1/2 and five. We actually did discuss over the course of three or four years, if we would have a third child. We looked at every single angle. I said I didn’t want to work full-time and have a child in daycare again. That’s what I had to do with the boys. Granted I had lots of familial help, and was able to flex my schedule sometimes and have summers off as a teacher, but I still didn’t want that. I think sometimes the more secure you get, almost the more options you have that make decision making even harder. Does that make sense? We truly came to a standstill of wanting to bring the life into the world but not knowing exactly where it would fit. I didn’t want to give up a career. At that time I wanted desperately to become a nurse which I knew even back then was just the first step to me being a nurse practitioner. I never planned on stopping…
I think our generation has decision fatigue. Have you ever heard of that? There’s a great TED talk about it- if you have the choice of 20 pasta sauces versus three it is so much harder to make the choice when you have more options. You actually sometimes end up less satisfied even though you had more choices. While I am thankful for all of the choices and opportunities I have… <Are they opportunities if you work your ass off for them??>, I still wonder if the decision to have children generations ago wasn’t really a decision at all. It was simply the spaghetti sauce you were expected to use.
The Paradox of Choice-TED talk
I love my children. So very much. I would do anything for them. Find any amount of money to support them, step in front of a moving train for them. I very much love having them, but we decided to have another child was not a good decision. In someways we let fate decide for us. I would apply to nursing school and if I got in I would go. That would be the end of that discussion. If I didn’t, I would continue to work as a teacher, A career that I didn’t hate, but wasn’t exactly family-friendly… (see other posts on that), but one in which I could probably have a decent retirement stocked away and be somewhat fulfilled at. Read again: somewhat fulfilled. A sacrifice of passion and dreams. Well you know how that story went. I got in and excelled through nursing school, graduating at the top of my class. We didn’t really talk about having a child again seriously after that. We love to travel, we choose to send our kids to the school that they go to as I mentioned, having another child just didn’t really fit into the picture. My sons are old enough now that this morning I yelled out from a bubble bath before class “love you! Have a great day! See you at your game!" I have a true parenting partner which I was lacking when the boys were little and maybe I would’ve felt different about going through that again had it been Barrett the first time around. But maybe not. Maybe the first husband honestly did the best he could because those first years are hard. Freaking hard. The kids are honestly so much more enjoyable now when I can talk with them about their hopes and dreams and have real conversations.
Deciding to have a child in today’s day and age is a really tough decision. The women who I feel model the way I want to do things, having a career and raising healthy children, have a lot of help. They recognize that raising children is not a desert island situation. They enlist family members and friends, aunts and uncle’s, hired help if needed to get through some of the mundane tasks of life and parenting while having careers they love. These mentor women of mine might do things unconventionally at times like having a husband who stays home for a few years, or taking a break from a career for a few years before going back at it full force. Other women I know thrive on being a stay home mom, but I knew that was never for me-probably because I grew up with a working mom who went back to school when I was in high school to pursue a career as a teacher. In many ways our childhood does form our expectations for later in life. But there’s no wrong or right way to be a parent. Not so long as you are loving your children and doing the very best that you can do which would look different for all of us. There’s no right decision on whether or not to have a child. It is an incredibly personal decision. And it changes the entire course of your life. I would love to hear your thoughts… Thanks for reading.
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