What People Think Success Looks Like vs. the TRUTH
I think that people in society overall have a complete misconception about what achievement and success actually look like. They see a random post on Facebook about somebody going back to finish a degree and, just like that, they see a post a few years later that the degree is done. It MUST have been super easy, right? What they don’t see are all the trials, tribulations, course corrections, and missteps that happen along the way. They don't see constant revisions or any scrapes or scars.
Let me share those with you. You see, I moved to Oregon at the age of 20 with part of a college degree done. It took me 5 years to finish my 4 year degree which wasn’t too bad considering the move. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up so I majored in psychology. I have a bachelor of science degree in psychology which is essentially useless in many ways. Now-I don’t mean to offend anyone, and I really enjoyed my program, and I love psychology. But there isn’t much you can do that is psychology related with a bachelors degree in psychology. You must go much further than that.
Initially I thought that I would be a college career counselor or a high school counselor or a marriage and family therapist. When I was feeling really energetic I thought I would go all the way and become a psychologist, which requires a doctoral degree. Life happens, kids start happening, bills definitely happen. I switched one of my rotations to complete my bachelors degree midstream from being in a high school counseling center to being in a fourth grade classroom and discovered that I loved the classroom environment.
Fast forward some more and I got my first teaching job while working on my initial teaching license. A few years later I had my masters degree in education and curriculum development. One messy, bitter (but life-changingly good) divorce later left me questioning a lot of my decisions. I liked being a teacher most of the time. I was pretty good at it- or so I was told. I had jumped through different grade levels and subject matters to find what I liked best and it all came down to at the end of the day that I was really ADHD about being in the classroom. I loved designing the curriculum and how I was going to teach it, but didn’t actually like teaching it very much (especially not more than once). Now if you’re an educator you know that a lot of work goes into developing a lesson plan. Ideally you use this lesson plan again and again. I had no desire to reuse my lesson plans, which I should have actually known from my very first week teaching when my mentor teacher told me, “save this, and you can reuse this lesson over and over again. This is like my ninth year teaching this exact lesson." The actual thought made me shudder. YUCK. I had no desire to recycle the same material over and over again. Instead, I started working on how my classroom would look and feel including setting up a reading nook and painting the walls and I will admit it, getting rid of that lesson plan I had no desire to save.
With unlimited amounts of time and energy so that I could always re-create the most exciting way to teach material, I would have been an excellent teacher. But even having two classes of the same freshman science class at different points during my teaching day was sheer nails on a chalkboard for me. The time and energy and passion that I wanted to put into my curriculum had to happen outside of teaching hours which meant it was time away from my children who were very young at the time. I will say it and say it again, the kind of teacher I wanted to be was not commiserate with the kind of parent I wanted to be. Some people find that balance and do wonderfully. I am not some people.
So after I met the man of my dreams which of course happened my second marriage, we decided that I would go back to school to become a registered nurse which is something I had always considered. To be perfectly honest if I had not married young I would have gone to medical school. To be perfectly honest again, it is something that Barrett and I actually considered but the time that I would not be able to work and would be so engrossed in school did not seem like the best option. Isaiah was preschool age at the time so I finished up my nursing prerequisites part time while doing a year of preschool at home with him. I enjoyed it but was also stir crazy. I took my certified nursing assistant or CNA program and made it a few weeks in the first time. Oh yes, there was more than one time. Barrett‘s grandmother got ill at the time and when we went to visit her in the intensive care unit I may have had a mini freak out. I had no desire whatsoever to ever work in an environment like the ICU. I knew that the second I walked in. So I quit the program. Nevermind the fact that there are many other options in nursing that have nothing to do with the ICU. And I took the next year and a half or so – God bless my new husband‘s heart – to find myself. I took lots of walks and spent lots of time being an excellent mother and wife I would like to think, started a job when I decided that I should work full-time again and quit it a few weeks later… Oh yes, and searched my soul for reasons I should or shouldn’t be a nurse.
Finally I found a different certified nursing assistant program, applied, and completed it. I hated it. With a passion. I never had any desire to work as a CNA. During this time I did a little bit of substitute teaching with my teaching license still being active and applied to nursing school. Once getting accepted, we had agreed I would not work outside the home during the nursing program so that I could continue to be the kind of wife and mother I wanted to be.
Nursing school was grueling but exhilarating at the same time. So much new information and skills every day. I excelled for the most part. Every rotation I did though I found one more area to cross off my list. The list of nursing environments I never wanted to work in were much longer than the ones I did. When I graduated from nursing school I wasn’t even sure I wanted to work as a nurse…
The first nursing job I had was at an urgent care clinic. Talk about baptism by fire as far as the new information and learning curve I was experiencing each shift. I loved it and I hated it. I hated the long shifts away from my kids and the feelings of ineptitude, but I loved it when I got something right or properly diagnosed a patient before the provider did. A few months in to being a nurse though… I wanted to go back to teaching.
I took a new job in the pediatric clinic where as luck would have it I still work- or work again- but more on that later. I liked it and hated it. It was interesting and boring. The hands-on skills were lacking but the knowledge and getting to educate parents and patients was full on. But it wasn’t enough. Sadly it would never be enough. Not enough pay. Not enough excitement. Not enough. So as was my initial goal upon starting the nursing program, I reapplied to nurse practitioner school. Did I skip that part? I had applied upon graduating nursing school and gotten in and then decided in a panic that I better get some experience as a registered nurse first. So anyhow second time around I got in and began the program which meant switching jobs or so I thought. I took a job at a hospital in a post surgical unit and lasted about two months. I hated every single day. Every day. I sunk into a deep depression wanting to drive my car into other cars on the way to work. I’m not ashamed to say that though because I am an advocate for mental health and I think we need to be real. My anxiety (which I struggle with on and off) was at an all-time high and with a new job and starting school on the horizon I was a literal basket case. Now I am embarrassed to admit this… A few times during my training I may have hid in the supply room. Or the bathroom. I hated that job so much. The pay was great, but when I cannot make myself go, there's a problem. I am a good worker. A team player. A person who rarely calls in sick...but this was an extreme for me. As life would turn out Barrett's grandparents happened to need us around more. The kids definitely needed me around more and not so far away than an hour commute on top of 12 hours shifts. Luckily I had stayed relief/float pool at the clinic so I begged for a job back and it took a bit longer than I would have liked. I landed in the urology department for a few months and it wasn’t my favorite. I didn’t hate it and want to drive my car into another car but I didn’t like it. At least it was interesting and I was learning and liked the staff there so those were pluses. Was it my heart or passion? Not at all. Finally or actually only a few months later but it felt like a lifetime, I was offered a part-time spot back at my old job. I accepted happily. Having been somewhere else and knowing that it was an amazing job to go back to especially while in school. Note to others… Do not change your job and have to learn something new when you are also embarking on a very stressful program such as a nurse practitioner program. It does not do your mental health any favors. Just a side-note of advice.
I’ve been in the program for almost a year now. It means I have about 16 months of school work left to go. And yes, I am counting. The amount of times that I have wanted to quit are numerous. I have yet to get a grade under an "A" in the program, but it is often very, very stressful as you can imagine. Clinical will be stressful. To my surprise, some people did not know NPs see their own patients (I am not sure what they thought they did...), so yes, the thought of examining and diagnosing patients on my own is stressful.
The first term I wanted to quit. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and wasn’t sure I wanted to be a nurse practitioner or heck even a nurse anymore. After the first term was accomplished I still wanted to quit. I came very very close until a good friend and pediatrician at work asked me if it was my anxiety talking or my heart. Seems there’s actually a difference. During the second term I left my first test shaking and in tears. I was practically inconsolable for a few days until I got my grade back and I got a 90% on the exam. The exam was so hard. I have never been a nervous test taker. Insert NP school. I am now nervous every time I take a proctored test where I am being watched by a video camera and I must keep my eyes on the screen at all times. Something about that environment is so totally nerve-racking. I’m pretty sure I would rather drive to a different town and take the test in person. But maybe not. That would be inconvenient.
After the second term I still thought about quitting. I like working in pediatrics most days now after coming back to it. But it is not enough for me and not where I want to spend my life- but I know that I want to work with kids and I know that I want to work in mental health-rewind all the way back to the psychology degree. To work only in mental health as a nurse practitioner I am pretty much in the wrong program. I would need to add my psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner (PMHNP) certification which I could’ve done as a standalone program instead of family nurse practitioner or I can do as another 18 month addition to the program I am in through a different university. If I get in. If I still want to be in school. But we take it each day at a time.
I am over halfway done with the third term. Out of seven terms. In the spring I will be halfway done with the program. I still have wanted to quit as recently as today. But I am pretty sure that is anxiety and a huge case of the "I don't want to do it!" Imagine toddler throwing a tantrum here. I have a huge paper to work on that is like pulling teeth. At least I like the topic which is screen time and social anxiety in teenagers, but I hate every second of the research classes and the paper writing. No- I have no desire to become a researcher. Ever. It’s just one more hoop to jump through.Sometimes success comes 1 assignment, 1 week, 1 lecture at a time. 14 week chunks, a quick break, then wash-rinse-repeat.
So the point of writing all of this is that if you are anywhere on a journey or thinking about starting a journey whether it’s changing careers or getting a degree or both, I want you to know what success and achievement actually look like. If you were to ask any of my family members or friends or coworkers they would tell you that I am quite the achiever. But they wouldn’t tell you how much I have struggled to be where I am at. I want to be honest about that. My path has been so circuitous. It has not been a straight line at all. It has been winding and full of changes and full of doubts and full of times where I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing or that I have what it takes. I am going tens of thousands of dollars into debt more for this fancy, shiny degree where I’m still not even sure that I will enjoy the career that goes with it… But I think I will. I think I will enjoy it more than anything else I have done, and I think it will be something else that I can build on if I don’t enjoy it enough.
And I guess that’s all we have is the Hope that one thing will bring more passion and enjoyment and fulfillment than another. I can tell you that every stepping stone on my path has led me to have the rare combination of passions I have today. My heart is to work with teens in mental health as a healthcare practitioner. What that will look like I have yet to find out. Does the job exist or will I need to create it? That remains to be seen, but success is what we make of it and what we decide each day when we pick ourselves up and keep going. When we shove the anxiety aside and say “not today", take a deep breath, today is my day to keep moving forward.
Let me share those with you. You see, I moved to Oregon at the age of 20 with part of a college degree done. It took me 5 years to finish my 4 year degree which wasn’t too bad considering the move. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up so I majored in psychology. I have a bachelor of science degree in psychology which is essentially useless in many ways. Now-I don’t mean to offend anyone, and I really enjoyed my program, and I love psychology. But there isn’t much you can do that is psychology related with a bachelors degree in psychology. You must go much further than that.
Initially I thought that I would be a college career counselor or a high school counselor or a marriage and family therapist. When I was feeling really energetic I thought I would go all the way and become a psychologist, which requires a doctoral degree. Life happens, kids start happening, bills definitely happen. I switched one of my rotations to complete my bachelors degree midstream from being in a high school counseling center to being in a fourth grade classroom and discovered that I loved the classroom environment.
Fast forward some more and I got my first teaching job while working on my initial teaching license. A few years later I had my masters degree in education and curriculum development. One messy, bitter (but life-changingly good) divorce later left me questioning a lot of my decisions. I liked being a teacher most of the time. I was pretty good at it- or so I was told. I had jumped through different grade levels and subject matters to find what I liked best and it all came down to at the end of the day that I was really ADHD about being in the classroom. I loved designing the curriculum and how I was going to teach it, but didn’t actually like teaching it very much (especially not more than once). Now if you’re an educator you know that a lot of work goes into developing a lesson plan. Ideally you use this lesson plan again and again. I had no desire to reuse my lesson plans, which I should have actually known from my very first week teaching when my mentor teacher told me, “save this, and you can reuse this lesson over and over again. This is like my ninth year teaching this exact lesson." The actual thought made me shudder. YUCK. I had no desire to recycle the same material over and over again. Instead, I started working on how my classroom would look and feel including setting up a reading nook and painting the walls and I will admit it, getting rid of that lesson plan I had no desire to save.
With unlimited amounts of time and energy so that I could always re-create the most exciting way to teach material, I would have been an excellent teacher. But even having two classes of the same freshman science class at different points during my teaching day was sheer nails on a chalkboard for me. The time and energy and passion that I wanted to put into my curriculum had to happen outside of teaching hours which meant it was time away from my children who were very young at the time. I will say it and say it again, the kind of teacher I wanted to be was not commiserate with the kind of parent I wanted to be. Some people find that balance and do wonderfully. I am not some people.
So after I met the man of my dreams which of course happened my second marriage, we decided that I would go back to school to become a registered nurse which is something I had always considered. To be perfectly honest if I had not married young I would have gone to medical school. To be perfectly honest again, it is something that Barrett and I actually considered but the time that I would not be able to work and would be so engrossed in school did not seem like the best option. Isaiah was preschool age at the time so I finished up my nursing prerequisites part time while doing a year of preschool at home with him. I enjoyed it but was also stir crazy. I took my certified nursing assistant or CNA program and made it a few weeks in the first time. Oh yes, there was more than one time. Barrett‘s grandmother got ill at the time and when we went to visit her in the intensive care unit I may have had a mini freak out. I had no desire whatsoever to ever work in an environment like the ICU. I knew that the second I walked in. So I quit the program. Nevermind the fact that there are many other options in nursing that have nothing to do with the ICU. And I took the next year and a half or so – God bless my new husband‘s heart – to find myself. I took lots of walks and spent lots of time being an excellent mother and wife I would like to think, started a job when I decided that I should work full-time again and quit it a few weeks later… Oh yes, and searched my soul for reasons I should or shouldn’t be a nurse.
Finally I found a different certified nursing assistant program, applied, and completed it. I hated it. With a passion. I never had any desire to work as a CNA. During this time I did a little bit of substitute teaching with my teaching license still being active and applied to nursing school. Once getting accepted, we had agreed I would not work outside the home during the nursing program so that I could continue to be the kind of wife and mother I wanted to be.
Nursing school was grueling but exhilarating at the same time. So much new information and skills every day. I excelled for the most part. Every rotation I did though I found one more area to cross off my list. The list of nursing environments I never wanted to work in were much longer than the ones I did. When I graduated from nursing school I wasn’t even sure I wanted to work as a nurse…
The first nursing job I had was at an urgent care clinic. Talk about baptism by fire as far as the new information and learning curve I was experiencing each shift. I loved it and I hated it. I hated the long shifts away from my kids and the feelings of ineptitude, but I loved it when I got something right or properly diagnosed a patient before the provider did. A few months in to being a nurse though… I wanted to go back to teaching.
I took a new job in the pediatric clinic where as luck would have it I still work- or work again- but more on that later. I liked it and hated it. It was interesting and boring. The hands-on skills were lacking but the knowledge and getting to educate parents and patients was full on. But it wasn’t enough. Sadly it would never be enough. Not enough pay. Not enough excitement. Not enough. So as was my initial goal upon starting the nursing program, I reapplied to nurse practitioner school. Did I skip that part? I had applied upon graduating nursing school and gotten in and then decided in a panic that I better get some experience as a registered nurse first. So anyhow second time around I got in and began the program which meant switching jobs or so I thought. I took a job at a hospital in a post surgical unit and lasted about two months. I hated every single day. Every day. I sunk into a deep depression wanting to drive my car into other cars on the way to work. I’m not ashamed to say that though because I am an advocate for mental health and I think we need to be real. My anxiety (which I struggle with on and off) was at an all-time high and with a new job and starting school on the horizon I was a literal basket case. Now I am embarrassed to admit this… A few times during my training I may have hid in the supply room. Or the bathroom. I hated that job so much. The pay was great, but when I cannot make myself go, there's a problem. I am a good worker. A team player. A person who rarely calls in sick...but this was an extreme for me. As life would turn out Barrett's grandparents happened to need us around more. The kids definitely needed me around more and not so far away than an hour commute on top of 12 hours shifts. Luckily I had stayed relief/float pool at the clinic so I begged for a job back and it took a bit longer than I would have liked. I landed in the urology department for a few months and it wasn’t my favorite. I didn’t hate it and want to drive my car into another car but I didn’t like it. At least it was interesting and I was learning and liked the staff there so those were pluses. Was it my heart or passion? Not at all. Finally or actually only a few months later but it felt like a lifetime, I was offered a part-time spot back at my old job. I accepted happily. Having been somewhere else and knowing that it was an amazing job to go back to especially while in school. Note to others… Do not change your job and have to learn something new when you are also embarking on a very stressful program such as a nurse practitioner program. It does not do your mental health any favors. Just a side-note of advice.
I’ve been in the program for almost a year now. It means I have about 16 months of school work left to go. And yes, I am counting. The amount of times that I have wanted to quit are numerous. I have yet to get a grade under an "A" in the program, but it is often very, very stressful as you can imagine. Clinical will be stressful. To my surprise, some people did not know NPs see their own patients (I am not sure what they thought they did...), so yes, the thought of examining and diagnosing patients on my own is stressful.
The first term I wanted to quit. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and wasn’t sure I wanted to be a nurse practitioner or heck even a nurse anymore. After the first term was accomplished I still wanted to quit. I came very very close until a good friend and pediatrician at work asked me if it was my anxiety talking or my heart. Seems there’s actually a difference. During the second term I left my first test shaking and in tears. I was practically inconsolable for a few days until I got my grade back and I got a 90% on the exam. The exam was so hard. I have never been a nervous test taker. Insert NP school. I am now nervous every time I take a proctored test where I am being watched by a video camera and I must keep my eyes on the screen at all times. Something about that environment is so totally nerve-racking. I’m pretty sure I would rather drive to a different town and take the test in person. But maybe not. That would be inconvenient.
After the second term I still thought about quitting. I like working in pediatrics most days now after coming back to it. But it is not enough for me and not where I want to spend my life- but I know that I want to work with kids and I know that I want to work in mental health-rewind all the way back to the psychology degree. To work only in mental health as a nurse practitioner I am pretty much in the wrong program. I would need to add my psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner (PMHNP) certification which I could’ve done as a standalone program instead of family nurse practitioner or I can do as another 18 month addition to the program I am in through a different university. If I get in. If I still want to be in school. But we take it each day at a time.
I am over halfway done with the third term. Out of seven terms. In the spring I will be halfway done with the program. I still have wanted to quit as recently as today. But I am pretty sure that is anxiety and a huge case of the "I don't want to do it!" Imagine toddler throwing a tantrum here. I have a huge paper to work on that is like pulling teeth. At least I like the topic which is screen time and social anxiety in teenagers, but I hate every second of the research classes and the paper writing. No- I have no desire to become a researcher. Ever. It’s just one more hoop to jump through.Sometimes success comes 1 assignment, 1 week, 1 lecture at a time. 14 week chunks, a quick break, then wash-rinse-repeat.
So the point of writing all of this is that if you are anywhere on a journey or thinking about starting a journey whether it’s changing careers or getting a degree or both, I want you to know what success and achievement actually look like. If you were to ask any of my family members or friends or coworkers they would tell you that I am quite the achiever. But they wouldn’t tell you how much I have struggled to be where I am at. I want to be honest about that. My path has been so circuitous. It has not been a straight line at all. It has been winding and full of changes and full of doubts and full of times where I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing or that I have what it takes. I am going tens of thousands of dollars into debt more for this fancy, shiny degree where I’m still not even sure that I will enjoy the career that goes with it… But I think I will. I think I will enjoy it more than anything else I have done, and I think it will be something else that I can build on if I don’t enjoy it enough.
And I guess that’s all we have is the Hope that one thing will bring more passion and enjoyment and fulfillment than another. I can tell you that every stepping stone on my path has led me to have the rare combination of passions I have today. My heart is to work with teens in mental health as a healthcare practitioner. What that will look like I have yet to find out. Does the job exist or will I need to create it? That remains to be seen, but success is what we make of it and what we decide each day when we pick ourselves up and keep going. When we shove the anxiety aside and say “not today", take a deep breath, today is my day to keep moving forward.
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