Nursemom Confessions Part 8: True Fact
When Matthew really wants to make a point about something, he uses the phrase true fact. He has been using this phrase since he was like 4, and it still very much is part of his vocabulary. Let's say he makes a statement about one of his classes. "Mom, this project is worth 100 points and we only have 3 days to finish it. True fact!" It is a Matthew-ism, and I have always giggled because facts, in essence, should be true, so it is a way to overstate something.
I have really been working on being more transparent and vulnerable with the people who care about me. I want to be genuine, not fake. Sure, at times my house does belong in Better Homes and Gardens and at other times it looks like I let four toddlers and a pack of dogs loose in it for a day and let them spread food and laundry (always laundry) room to room! Sometimes I look pretty put together, and other days my hair is dirty and in a bun, and I am wearing ripped but comfy leggings. I may run now twice a week, but often I "make up for it" with what basically amounts to carnival food which I love. Or carbs. Double love. Balance people, right? I am not naive enough to think that even every one of my social media friends wants me to succeed, I get that sometimes people just watch to see if you fall. But I don't care. I still try to be real. And real right now is that I am not super happy and school is not enjoyable...at all. I didn't expect sunshine and rainbows really, but I didn't expect all the anger and frustration and feelings of failure. I am not all sunshine and rainbows either, though I think some people think I am.
I have always been a good student and I have always liked school. Until the last 6 months. My FNP program is HARD, and to be perfectly honest...I HATE it. True Fact. Like, I muddle through and make myself do it, and I put in loads and loads of time I would rather do anything else. You guys, like I am excited to go to the dentist in a few weeks and be away from the homework for an hour (and I do not like going to the dentist at all). I tell myself it will get better. I loved pharmacology in my RN program (I am kind of a dork) and I hate it now. The material is fine but the quizzes and exams are like what the hell when did we ever talk about this?! When you've studied for 40+ hours you should not leave your exam in tears. I truly do not know if I just passed the last exam. We need an 82.5% exam average across 3 exams or we fail pharm. This is an actual possibility sadly. I will find out my score tomorrow. But even without that, I loathe this program. I knew I had no desire to work with adults, and that my heart is in psych, but I keep telling myself that I will get there, I am just not to the stuff that floats my boat yet. Right?
Don't get me started on my research class. It's actually a 3 part series of classes, and I am 1/3 of the way through the 2nd class. I have never loathed a class so entirely (I have taken many, many classes). I have no desire to ever conduct research...it is not my thing. So the grueling misery that is this series I would liken to a boot camp obstacle course in the mud and rain and blazing heat only without ever signing up for the military. Just because I want to care for patients does not mean I want to research things I don't care about, or care very little about all in a very explicit formula to attempt to be published. I anti-care about this. I am sure it is all to make me a well-rounded person/graduate/provider. I get it. Kind of. I used to jump through hoops for my other programs without even really minding. I wrote and defended (aka presented to an audience) a 30+ page thesis on boys and learning when I got my Master's in Education. I honestly didn't mind, wimp out, or complain much, and I had a baby and a toddler and was working full-time! Maybe my meter for what I will jump through has broken down??
SO many people are cheering for me. My family has sacrificed so much. I have sacrificed so much. So I keep trudging. I don't want to be a quitter...but True Fact: I don't know that I would choose ANY of this again. That makes me feel guilty. Like privileged girl who has had so many opportunities and doesn't want them guilty, but that's not fair. It's not fair to talk to myself that way. I have worked extremely hard to be here, and I would never talk to you that way. I would be your biggest fan even if you wanted to paint flamingos only on Sundays, you know? Our self talk is sometimes SO mean. I also know many people who have changed their minds: a police officer turned insurance worker, teacher turned RN, phlebotomist turned special education teacher, RN turned cosmetologist, prisoner turned pastor. I am nothing but inspired by all of their stories. So yeah, I have changed my mind perhaps more...and I am not saying I will again-I am attempting to follow this out, but I am saying that when I look 10 years in the future I want but a few things:
 |
| "true fact" |
I have really been working on being more transparent and vulnerable with the people who care about me. I want to be genuine, not fake. Sure, at times my house does belong in Better Homes and Gardens and at other times it looks like I let four toddlers and a pack of dogs loose in it for a day and let them spread food and laundry (always laundry) room to room! Sometimes I look pretty put together, and other days my hair is dirty and in a bun, and I am wearing ripped but comfy leggings. I may run now twice a week, but often I "make up for it" with what basically amounts to carnival food which I love. Or carbs. Double love. Balance people, right? I am not naive enough to think that even every one of my social media friends wants me to succeed, I get that sometimes people just watch to see if you fall. But I don't care. I still try to be real. And real right now is that I am not super happy and school is not enjoyable...at all. I didn't expect sunshine and rainbows really, but I didn't expect all the anger and frustration and feelings of failure. I am not all sunshine and rainbows either, though I think some people think I am.
I have always been a good student and I have always liked school. Until the last 6 months. My FNP program is HARD, and to be perfectly honest...I HATE it. True Fact. Like, I muddle through and make myself do it, and I put in loads and loads of time I would rather do anything else. You guys, like I am excited to go to the dentist in a few weeks and be away from the homework for an hour (and I do not like going to the dentist at all). I tell myself it will get better. I loved pharmacology in my RN program (I am kind of a dork) and I hate it now. The material is fine but the quizzes and exams are like what the hell when did we ever talk about this?! When you've studied for 40+ hours you should not leave your exam in tears. I truly do not know if I just passed the last exam. We need an 82.5% exam average across 3 exams or we fail pharm. This is an actual possibility sadly. I will find out my score tomorrow. But even without that, I loathe this program. I knew I had no desire to work with adults, and that my heart is in psych, but I keep telling myself that I will get there, I am just not to the stuff that floats my boat yet. Right?
Don't get me started on my research class. It's actually a 3 part series of classes, and I am 1/3 of the way through the 2nd class. I have never loathed a class so entirely (I have taken many, many classes). I have no desire to ever conduct research...it is not my thing. So the grueling misery that is this series I would liken to a boot camp obstacle course in the mud and rain and blazing heat only without ever signing up for the military. Just because I want to care for patients does not mean I want to research things I don't care about, or care very little about all in a very explicit formula to attempt to be published. I anti-care about this. I am sure it is all to make me a well-rounded person/graduate/provider. I get it. Kind of. I used to jump through hoops for my other programs without even really minding. I wrote and defended (aka presented to an audience) a 30+ page thesis on boys and learning when I got my Master's in Education. I honestly didn't mind, wimp out, or complain much, and I had a baby and a toddler and was working full-time! Maybe my meter for what I will jump through has broken down??
 |
| He's pretty wise. |
SO many people are cheering for me. My family has sacrificed so much. I have sacrificed so much. So I keep trudging. I don't want to be a quitter...but True Fact: I don't know that I would choose ANY of this again. That makes me feel guilty. Like privileged girl who has had so many opportunities and doesn't want them guilty, but that's not fair. It's not fair to talk to myself that way. I have worked extremely hard to be here, and I would never talk to you that way. I would be your biggest fan even if you wanted to paint flamingos only on Sundays, you know? Our self talk is sometimes SO mean. I also know many people who have changed their minds: a police officer turned insurance worker, teacher turned RN, phlebotomist turned special education teacher, RN turned cosmetologist, prisoner turned pastor. I am nothing but inspired by all of their stories. So yeah, I have changed my mind perhaps more...and I am not saying I will again-I am attempting to follow this out, but I am saying that when I look 10 years in the future I want but a few things:
- a job working with children and families
- to manage some rental properties and maybe flip houses
- a cabin to get away to
- sons who are healthy and making their way in the world
- parents who are healthy and happy
- a loving marriage
- a solid faith
- beauty around me
- oh, and definitely the orange sports car. That doesn't change. 😏
So...only one of those things is related to ALL of my hard work right now, and sometimes I feel it gets all my attention and glory. Do you see that top item? I am pursuing it in a round-about, difficult, top of my game and salary way...but I also realize it isn't the only way. Teacher, counselor, RN, NP...they all get me close. I imagine an office where I sit and guide teens through their feelings and come along-side their parents for support and education. I can do that as a FNP/PMHNP, but I can in other ways too. If I had to go back, I would've been a counselor, and not worried about time spent in school and pay/hour. I would've listened to my heart. Sometimes I listen to everything but.
I have been on this kick lately that "There is no plan B." You stick to your plan and you don't fail, change or otherwise re-direct course. The other night Isaiah challenged this. "You should have so many plans Mom. One for each interest, one for if life changes or you change, plans for if you decide something is not what you wanted or something is better or worse." He also reassures me that I am awesome no matter what, because I'm his mama. 💗
Isaiah is my free-spirit, and I think he might be right.
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