Be Freaking Fierce!

It used to be that excellence was rewarded. I’m going to use this phrase because I can’t believe I’m old enough to use this phrase… But when I was a kid.... not everyone got an award for participating in a sport or for showing up to class! Only the top athletes and students were honored. Somewhere along the line our society began to praise mediocrity. I’m probably going to piss some people off with this post, it’s fine and dandy if you or your child are not the best at something and I completely celebrate everyone with their unique differences and trying things out that you might not be good at- that’s not what I’m saying. It's totally okay to suck at something, but the point is that you know that people are better and if it's something you care about being better at too, you keep trying and become better. Most people aren't just naturally awesome at something, they work at it. I’m also saying at what point did we take away from people that when you work very very hard there is an incentive for that? And this mediocre, award for everyone mentality does something else too: it makes people who wanted to get better embarrassed that they want it. Let that sink in.

Somewhere along the line after years of being an excellent student performing well in theater, and a few years of sports, I began to settle into the it’s OK as long as I’m trying routine. But friends, that isn’t me. Anyone who knows me at all knows I am actually competitive as hell. Have you ever played a board game with me? I might be just a tad Monica from friends. Okay, more than a tad.

It has taken me to this point in my life to realize I don’t want to just achieve my goal, I want to do it screeching, screaming, crashing into life at the very top of my game that I am possible of bringing. I secured a tutor for pharmacology because our school pays for a few sessions and I thought why not? Hit the ground running.  She asked me why I wanted tutoring, if I felt that I was going to struggle with the class- and I told her that I expect the class to be hard as it should be, but that I’m taking advantage of the tutoring and may even pay for it when the free sessions are up because I would love to get straight A’s through my nurse practitioner program. I ended up really enjoying her and it helped immensely to solidify some concepts. Total win. I want to do more than show up and pass. I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to take my passion by it’s reins and be the best that I absolutely can. Now whether this actually presents as me getting perfect grades or something else like me being on the student advisory council serving as a mentor to others, we'll see.

I went through a phase as a teen girl where it was not “cool" to be as good at school as I was.  I am embarrassed to say that I at times acted dumber than I was.  I dumbed myself down much like Lindsay Lohan's character in Mean Girls for a while to fit in better. I had tons of acquaintances in high school but not that many close friends in all reality and that was OK when I look back on it but at the time it was kind of embarrassing. I didn’t really fit in with anyone… Not the popular kids, not completely the theater kids, not the people who got straight A’s, I was kind of done with high school probably a year before it was over.  When I worked at a dental office for six years while pursuing my bachelors degree and then becoming a teacher, I was almost embarrassed to say that I was going to college as if that should embarrass anyone I worked with or set myself up that I thought I was better than anyone. I didn’t think that- I was uber sensitive to that, but I also should not have been embarrassed at what I was going for. I was embarrassed of my passion. People, I love mental health. And I love love love working with teenagers- they are my favorite group of people in the entire world. So why would I not want to combine those two things? Why would I be embarrassed to say that the state of affairs with the wait for mental health time and help for teenagers and families is abysmal and not OK? Why would I not want to change that? 

In nursing school and as a new nurse through the last couple of years, I have felt the same way. Like I should be embarrassed or think that I am too vain or something to say that being a registered nurse is not my stopping point. When I say that there’s nothing wrong with being a registered nurse. I think it’s an amazing career full of flexibility, diversity, skills many that I will never have, and many things that I honestly never want to do. But I shouldn’t be embarrassed of that either. I am not embarrassed of wanting to go further. I’m not embarrassed of my passion. I’m not embarrassed that by the time I am done with everywhere I want to be I will have multiple degrees in things. I mean, I already do. But by the time I am done I will have multiple masters degrees, post graduate certification, dual certification as a nurse practitioner, and honestly at some point I will likely get my doctorate in nursing. Maybe I will go on to do clinical research at some point or add oh my goodness… Another certification down the road. I am the quintessential professional student… But that’s OK because I love learning and challenging myself and becoming better.

I went jogging today. I do this now 2 to 3 times a week. I am so so slow, and I can’t say that I enjoy it, but I do feel exhilarated afterward. I used to be so worried about what people would think of me if they saw me out on the road going for a run. Like those people driving by would think “oh my goodness, what is she doing out here? She doesn't belong." I was worried that my make up wouldn’t be on perfectly or my hair a mess or that my running clothes would not be the coolest ones possible. I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I was so ego centric that my way of thinking about it was almost like that of a toddler… Like the entire world revolves around me and what I was doing at that point and that my self-consciousness was getting in the way! You know back to that competitive trait that I have? Now when I am on the road in the beautiful countryside by where we live and it is just me and a gorgeous stretch of nature ahead of me, I’m likely wearing mismatched leggings and T-shirt, hair in a messy bun, definitely no make up on because I don’t shower before I run, and I don’t care. I realize the people driving by or just giving me a passing glance if they think anything at all it might be like cool she’s out exercising today and I’m driving somewhere. When I’m on the road I’m competing with me. Only me. Bettering myself. Not tearing anyone down not trying to be better than anyone but embracing who I am and what I want. And for that, I will be unapologetically fierce. In the pursuit of my goals, I will be freaking passionate as hell, not sugarcoating what I want and who I am. I’m smart. I’m compassionate. And I want to change the world.