It's Okay to Want More: Thoughts on Authenticity
Sometimes I think I am a rare creature. I have friends, but few close ones, and I often feel very misunderstood. I don't mean that in a woe is me-I need sympathy way, because I am fine being misunderstood. It is more a statement of fact. I have NEVER felt as though I have fit in. I have always felt like an outsider for as long as I can remember. Does that surprise you?
I was the shy bookworm in my early years. I even hid from family members. I was the outgoing queen bee in junior high because that is what people like, but craving alone time to recharge. I had a million good acquaintances but few actual friends in high school, being both very nerdily intelligent as well as a drama and choir kid, still shy but often mistaken as aloof, and boy crazy. What a combination!
I always felt more at home with adults than peers (only child thing), and sadly, I remember hiding things such as my IQ score when we tested in school psych class (I am in the top 5% if you believe in IQ tests as a marker of intelligence- Intelligence presents in many ways though. I am language and people intelligent. I am book smart. I am not great at spatial awareness and struggle much, much harder to learn hands-on skills involving muscle memory or even just common sense, I struggled to learn to drive...But I digress) or how many answers I really knew to questions the teachers asked, yes-I did all the homework because I wanted to learn, but effortlessly, and no-I rarely studied though I lied and said I studied hard. With the glaring exception of math, I never had to try in school, not even through my master's degree, but I was embarrassed that made me even more different. I often acted as the dumb blonde. Side note: I tried in nursing school. So much to cram in...not difficult per se, but just tons of information to memorize. I actually loved the challenge. I guess I say all that to say that in many of my formative years I was embarrassed by my smarts, the things I enjoyed, and who I was. I say NONE of that to brag and I pray it doesn't come across that way...just trying to be real here. Remember that when you are a kid, different does not seem better, and it is embarrassing. I felt like an outsider. Side note again: Being intelligent does NOT mean having all the answers or automatically knowing what to do. It means being willing to seek the answers and wanting to know more.
I don't think it ever appears that way on the outside to others, as one saving grace of my personality is that I am a chameleon. I can have a decent conversation with the drug addict the same as the doctor examining them and make both feel comfortable with me. There will never be any judgment from me, truly, as I know we all have varying tough paths to walk, and who am I to think I know what is best for you? I will advise you if asked, and I may even seek advice though Sarah fact-I rarely follow it. No offense to the advice givers, I just see a million sides to everything and overthink with the best of them!
I got to thinking about all of these things recently. It has taken me into my mid-thirties to be at home in my own skin. Yes, I am both smart and a ditsy person all at once! I both want to know all about you and want to be left alone. I am very contradictory...but that is OK. 13 Curious and Contradictory Things About INFJ. It's me. Last year I set out to know myself better and to be authentic to who I am. That brings me to my next point.
It is okay to want more. I ALWAYS want more. I don't mean this in a materialistic way though I do enjoy nice things as much as the next person. I mean, that even if I appear to have it all, I want more. I have my faith. I have my family. I have a man who loves me like crazy and (I am sure) a fairy-tale romance that sickens others even 7 years in. I have healthy, happy kids who are amazingly talented, smart and kind. I have a new home and a stable job where I work with people I love. I fulfilled my dream to be a nurse. I get to travel 2-3 times a year to far-off places. I want more.
What??? How can I even admit that? Am I a disgustingly greedy creature?? Is my selfishness off the charts? Should I be ashamed that I am seeking even more in my life?
My answer is no. It is okay to want more. It is okay to be true to myself and both be insanely grateful for all I have and also want more. I want to be a nurse practitioner. I can't stop learning. I love learning. I love books. I love lectures on things I want to know more about. I want to help more people. I want to go on missions where my services are needed in remote parts of the world and share my love and my humanity. I want to find a way to bring animals into treatment even more, even if that is just a side hobby, training Thor to be a visiting dog to nursing homes and special education classrooms. I want to teach again, to teach with passion about bullying, anxiety, and depression. I guess my goals of wanting more are mostly for me. I am insanely blessed and happy with whatever path my children choose, and am so proud of them as they grow. I love my home and do not need more, and even if something terrible happened to Barrett (God forbid), I would know that I had more authentic love in our time together no matter how long or short than many people ever find.
For me, though, I want more. Well wishers have asked me "Don't you guys do well enough financially? Doesn't your husband make good money?" Sure.... But to even ask that question means you are missing a fundamental part of me...I do not wish to advance my career for the money. Honestly, it will cost me a lot for the schooling, so extra income is welcome to pay back loans, but there are easier things I could do for a raise! And no, the money is not needed nor even really a big factor. I am very thankful for that. "More time away from your kids?" people say. Yes and no. My kids are resilient. I would rather be a bit busier and have them know that Mom did not sacrifice her dreams, that women can be ALL things if they want-mom, wife, employee, student, and still do them well. I want to set an example that if their wives want to be professionals, that it is not only okay but encouraged. If they want to stay home and raise a family, that is OK too. So no, I don't believe my kids will be hurt in the slightest to see their mom work passionately toward another goal.
In 10 years? I don't know. Maybe I will dual certify as a Family Nurse Practitioner and a Psychiatric NP or in Women's Health. Or Pediatrics. Maybe I will work toward my DNP (Doctorate of Nursing Practice). Maybe I will have grand-kids and slow down slighty! Maybe I will have my own practice somewhere or be an expert on a cause that matters to me. What I do know, is I will never stop bettering myself...because I ENJOY it. Because I want more.
This is quite a rant this morning, and I have maybe repeated a few common themes from throughout the years of my blogging. I have shared a few great links below and in this blog if any of this resonates with you as well. What a difference it makes to no longer hear "It will never be enough to make you happy, Sarah. You think you are just so smart. Just dial it back," replaced with "I love your passion and perseverance. Your intelligence is sexy." A co-worker/friend saying "It is not for me, but you will do great, and I admire that." Another doctor friend, "we will always encourage you here." If you are still reading, and have gotten nothing else from this, remember that your words may matter to others. Your encouragement not chastisement may mean the world. It is both okay to want a more simple life as well as to want more and reach for the stars. Can we stop judging and just be happy for one another and celebrate our differences? Can you do you?
And I will do me. I don't want to ever again DIAL IT BACK.
Some great links. I love this. Stop feeling guilty or thinking tragedy will strike! It's OK to Want More
5 Things That Happen When You Decide You Want More
I was the shy bookworm in my early years. I even hid from family members. I was the outgoing queen bee in junior high because that is what people like, but craving alone time to recharge. I had a million good acquaintances but few actual friends in high school, being both very nerdily intelligent as well as a drama and choir kid, still shy but often mistaken as aloof, and boy crazy. What a combination!
I always felt more at home with adults than peers (only child thing), and sadly, I remember hiding things such as my IQ score when we tested in school psych class (I am in the top 5% if you believe in IQ tests as a marker of intelligence- Intelligence presents in many ways though. I am language and people intelligent. I am book smart. I am not great at spatial awareness and struggle much, much harder to learn hands-on skills involving muscle memory or even just common sense, I struggled to learn to drive...But I digress) or how many answers I really knew to questions the teachers asked, yes-I did all the homework because I wanted to learn, but effortlessly, and no-I rarely studied though I lied and said I studied hard. With the glaring exception of math, I never had to try in school, not even through my master's degree, but I was embarrassed that made me even more different. I often acted as the dumb blonde. Side note: I tried in nursing school. So much to cram in...not difficult per se, but just tons of information to memorize. I actually loved the challenge. I guess I say all that to say that in many of my formative years I was embarrassed by my smarts, the things I enjoyed, and who I was. I say NONE of that to brag and I pray it doesn't come across that way...just trying to be real here. Remember that when you are a kid, different does not seem better, and it is embarrassing. I felt like an outsider. Side note again: Being intelligent does NOT mean having all the answers or automatically knowing what to do. It means being willing to seek the answers and wanting to know more.
I don't think it ever appears that way on the outside to others, as one saving grace of my personality is that I am a chameleon. I can have a decent conversation with the drug addict the same as the doctor examining them and make both feel comfortable with me. There will never be any judgment from me, truly, as I know we all have varying tough paths to walk, and who am I to think I know what is best for you? I will advise you if asked, and I may even seek advice though Sarah fact-I rarely follow it. No offense to the advice givers, I just see a million sides to everything and overthink with the best of them!
I got to thinking about all of these things recently. It has taken me into my mid-thirties to be at home in my own skin. Yes, I am both smart and a ditsy person all at once! I both want to know all about you and want to be left alone. I am very contradictory...but that is OK. 13 Curious and Contradictory Things About INFJ. It's me. Last year I set out to know myself better and to be authentic to who I am. That brings me to my next point.
It is okay to want more. I ALWAYS want more. I don't mean this in a materialistic way though I do enjoy nice things as much as the next person. I mean, that even if I appear to have it all, I want more. I have my faith. I have my family. I have a man who loves me like crazy and (I am sure) a fairy-tale romance that sickens others even 7 years in. I have healthy, happy kids who are amazingly talented, smart and kind. I have a new home and a stable job where I work with people I love. I fulfilled my dream to be a nurse. I get to travel 2-3 times a year to far-off places. I want more.
What??? How can I even admit that? Am I a disgustingly greedy creature?? Is my selfishness off the charts? Should I be ashamed that I am seeking even more in my life?
My answer is no. It is okay to want more. It is okay to be true to myself and both be insanely grateful for all I have and also want more. I want to be a nurse practitioner. I can't stop learning. I love learning. I love books. I love lectures on things I want to know more about. I want to help more people. I want to go on missions where my services are needed in remote parts of the world and share my love and my humanity. I want to find a way to bring animals into treatment even more, even if that is just a side hobby, training Thor to be a visiting dog to nursing homes and special education classrooms. I want to teach again, to teach with passion about bullying, anxiety, and depression. I guess my goals of wanting more are mostly for me. I am insanely blessed and happy with whatever path my children choose, and am so proud of them as they grow. I love my home and do not need more, and even if something terrible happened to Barrett (God forbid), I would know that I had more authentic love in our time together no matter how long or short than many people ever find.
For me, though, I want more. Well wishers have asked me "Don't you guys do well enough financially? Doesn't your husband make good money?" Sure.... But to even ask that question means you are missing a fundamental part of me...I do not wish to advance my career for the money. Honestly, it will cost me a lot for the schooling, so extra income is welcome to pay back loans, but there are easier things I could do for a raise! And no, the money is not needed nor even really a big factor. I am very thankful for that. "More time away from your kids?" people say. Yes and no. My kids are resilient. I would rather be a bit busier and have them know that Mom did not sacrifice her dreams, that women can be ALL things if they want-mom, wife, employee, student, and still do them well. I want to set an example that if their wives want to be professionals, that it is not only okay but encouraged. If they want to stay home and raise a family, that is OK too. So no, I don't believe my kids will be hurt in the slightest to see their mom work passionately toward another goal.
In 10 years? I don't know. Maybe I will dual certify as a Family Nurse Practitioner and a Psychiatric NP or in Women's Health. Or Pediatrics. Maybe I will work toward my DNP (Doctorate of Nursing Practice). Maybe I will have grand-kids and slow down slighty! Maybe I will have my own practice somewhere or be an expert on a cause that matters to me. What I do know, is I will never stop bettering myself...because I ENJOY it. Because I want more.
This is quite a rant this morning, and I have maybe repeated a few common themes from throughout the years of my blogging. I have shared a few great links below and in this blog if any of this resonates with you as well. What a difference it makes to no longer hear "It will never be enough to make you happy, Sarah. You think you are just so smart. Just dial it back," replaced with "I love your passion and perseverance. Your intelligence is sexy." A co-worker/friend saying "It is not for me, but you will do great, and I admire that." Another doctor friend, "we will always encourage you here." If you are still reading, and have gotten nothing else from this, remember that your words may matter to others. Your encouragement not chastisement may mean the world. It is both okay to want a more simple life as well as to want more and reach for the stars. Can we stop judging and just be happy for one another and celebrate our differences? Can you do you?
And I will do me. I don't want to ever again DIAL IT BACK.
Some great links. I love this. Stop feeling guilty or thinking tragedy will strike! It's OK to Want More
5 Things That Happen When You Decide You Want More
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