At the End of the Day...SHINE!



I have achieved "success". I am happily married, and have two lively, healthy, smart sons who are turning into amazing young men. I work 4 days a week at a job that is not too difficult, and only have to go in 1 weekend a month. Yet...I am still left wanting. Is this a problem that lies within me or within society? I feel bad saying it. Admitting it. I am not ungrateful. Really. I thank God daily for my blessings and am moved to tears often at how lucky I am. I am not unhappy, but sometimes I am unfulfilled. Sometimes I think that teaching was more fulfilling than nursing, and sometimes I yearn to go back. I am blessed enough that we actually could financially with little to no impact, so I don't feel forced in any way to be a nurse. What I do feel is that I worked my butt off to become an RN and thus I stay. It may be both a blessing and a curse that with my personality I never really feel "done" or "settled", but always aspire to do more, see more, help more. I can't sit still for long. It is sometimes my undoing, but often my spark...if that makes sense. 


This spring I applied to Gonzaga University in Spokane to their (partially online) psychiatric nurse practitioner program. It is a part-time program and for already working registered nurses.  It takes three years to complete plus an additional transitional year if you do not already hold a bachelors degree in nursing (I do not. My degrees are in psych and education.) Four more years of schooling!  You can read about what a psych NP does here: What is a Psych NP? I won’t find out if I am in the program until mid October. When I first applied I thought holy cow! What a wait. How will I ever make it that long without knowing? 


But, as it turns out a few months into the wait I am actually very Zen-like about it. For someone who is self-diagnosed with high functioning anxiety, and a huge planner at heart, saying I feel Zen like about anything is miraculous! I feel like I think this is what I am supposed to do. I have a passion for helping teenagers especially those who suffer from anxiety, depression, and suicidality. I have an interest in eating disorders and self harm behaviors. I have spent a handful of days shadowing a psychologist who works with children and teens at the clinic. I have very much enjoyed what she does and she talked to me about doing it as a nurse practitioner versus psychologist and the fact that my background in nursing and becoming a nurse practitioner would let me have prescriptive privileges and be able to further help and manage medications. There is such a NEED in the area with year long wait lists being normal for teens to get seen!


 I spent a long time debating if this is what I should go for and then  debating when would be the best time. I bugged every doctor I work with practically and they all said that there never is a good time, but they encouraged me and recommended me to the program.  Just like having children, there never will be a great time!  If I wait to do it I may wish that I had done it sooner. I think I could continue to work 4 days a week the first transitional year and still balance life at home as a mom, but then probably cut to 3 days a week. Well here goes. I will keep you updated when I find out. If I don’t get in, I imagine that I will work on my BSN and reapply later once that is complete as it will make me a stronger candidate, perhaps get some psych RN experience, though I want to do psych peds, so I feel pediatrics is still a decent fit for now and my work is supportive. If it is meant to be at this season in my life it will happen. If it is not maybe it is meant to be later on after I gain more experience as a nurse. There are so many avenues open to me and I do not need to pursue this but I want to. I feel like that makes all the difference. 

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