A Bit More on My NEW Future Plans

I write not because I am an open book to all, but because many of you have been following my journey from afar for years-emailing and messaging me encouragement. I have treasured that and call you friends. 

As many of you know, I announced today that I will be taking a role part time in Eugene instead of the one as originally planned full time in Albany. It was with a lot of prayer and consideration. I am having to have faith that all of the pieces of this puzzle will click together to create one lovely vision. I had a lot of hesitation about the role that I had accepted especially over time and after doing my specialty rotation in psychiatry. I've spent many years trying to figure out not only who I am but what it is exactly that I want to offer the world. I knew there would be some combination of working with children, my background in education, and my passion for mental health. There are sometimes I felt like Goldilocks where nothing was "quite right." Mental health feels the most authentic to what I want and where I plan to be. I do not regret at all studying family medicine first, as I will use this throughout my career regardless of my end goal-treating the whole person. 

I was disappointed when my NP contract got pushed back 2.5 more months because state licensing took so long. It turns out this was a blessing in disguise, because I started to wonder even more what else I should be looking at. I never wanted full-time but was told by so many, well-meaning, people that I had to start somewhere. Truth be told, I never intend from this point forward (unless I have to) to work full-time ever again. I do not intend to work nights, weekends, or holidays. While certainly not the reason I went to NP school, I knew that more education and training would make me more valuable and able to call the shots in regards to my work-life balance even more. Someday the dream is a practice of my very own. For my former students (now friends) who follow me-accept the wisdom of those who have come before you to a point, as educated guidance to assist in your decision-making-but never let it define the choices that only YOU can make for what you will accept on your path.

The place I will be going to work for has not been around as long as many local (or my current employer). The founders believe happy providers have more to give their patients. When I interviewed they honored my time-me having to leave to get home for piano lessons-like I had somewhere very important to be. They gave me complete flexibility in naming the FTE that I wanted and being able to "do the math" on what they pay and benefit for full-time for what that would equal to part-time. I was almost in disbelief as I have told Barrett for years, how come places can't just say "We would offer xyz for full-time and if you want 0.5 FTE, just cut that in half-how is this hard?" Turns out that is exactly what this place does. I did a shadowing/working interview and saw the patient population and the care offered. This is an integrated health clinic for patients on state insurance. Because of this-credentialing does not takes months (well it does kind of but it's confusing-for such high need population you are granted temporary credentialing under the business itself while yours is in process-all that to say I can practice as an NP in a few weeks from now!)It has primary care, physical therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic and even dental hygiene on sight. It is not perfect-I am learning no job is. The area is a bit run down and the clinic itself could use some more TLC, but the mission is amazing-comprehensive care for a population who needs it most. All ages are seen, and because a vaccine program was not fully in place until just recently, the focus has not been on pediatrics but that will now be expanding-something I am excited to help with. The commute is just under an hour both ways and that is something I would never agree to if it were full-time, but I think I will work outside the hours of rush hour traffic and with just 3 workdays a week, it will be manageable. 

Primary care as a new grad will be uphill learning and collaborating with other members of my team. I will not have my own cute, little office, as they have a "provider lounge" where all providers (naturopaths, PAs, NPs) work in the same room to enhance teamwork and collaboration. Primary care is what I am trained to do though, so I am excited. I am also excited to taste holistic medicine where medication is rarely first line or is in combination with therapy, nutrition, lifestyle changes. You know that almost in tears-moved to your very core feeling you get when something (like a song) really touches your heart? I seek that to guide my career. It is how I feel about pediatric mental health. It is a feeling I got with almost every patient when I shadowed. I am anxious too. I gave up a known, something very stable and comfortable to be so outside my comfort zone. I gave this up because at the end of the day, my availability to my sons and my determination to complete just one more program (in mental health) drive me. I applied to do my additional certification for psychiatry (18 more months of school part-time with 2 days a week of clinical for half of it) but will not find out if I am accepted until December. I am hoping and banking on it, but also, as reminded by one of my best of friends recently, it is in the small moments of silence when we hear God's urging to step out in faith, especially when we don't have it all figured out. I totally don't. Not right now, and not ever! I was promised my almost dream job in mental health if I "go get the cert"- knowing that it will take more time and learning, and knowing that even the best of intentions can change sometimes. I know mine did. I felt physically ill for weeks knowing I might leave the role I had lined up. I am beyond blessed that my decision was met with the utmost of kindness and respect. I am under no illusions. This job could suck. Then I have to ask myself, is the flexibility worth the suck? Does the time for pursuing my ultimate dreams, the quality (and quantity) of time with my kids as teens outweigh the suck? To be crude and to quote Mark Manson (a fave tell-it-like-it-is author of mine), we all have to decide what flavor of sh*t sandwich we are willing to accept.

 I am so blessed to even have these options, the opportunities I have had, the mentors, the family support, the friends. I will go out with the following as my personal motto/scripture and see where it ultimately takes me.