Behind the White Coat

There is a lot of pressure that comes with wearing the white coat. 

I was SO excited to get mine before beginning my clinical training and to take the White Coat Oath. A rite of passage. Why? Well, it isn't the coat itself at all. 

 Patients see the white coat and they expect answers. They expect to be listened to and to reach resolution. They respect the white coat. Let me tell you, it takes a lot to earn the proverbial white coat whether it be a doctor, nurse practitioner, or physician assistant. It is hard won. Behind that symbolic white coat -that isn’t even always worn, because let’s face it, sometimes we don’t want to because we are overheated, or we want to appear more on your level and some people don’t like the white coat for it makes them nervous, and sometimes it just doesn’t go with our outfit but I digress…--- The symbol of the white coat represents a lot. It represents years of hard work, in the case of nurse practitioners it represents years of patient care as an RN before we (like crazy people) decided to go back to school for even more torture and to sharpen our skills and knowledge base. It represents hours upon hours upon hours upon hours (you get my drift) of studying and obsessing and looking up answers. It represents for most of us, heart, compassion, interest, enthusiasm, and know how. 

 The white coat represents confidence. 

Let’s talk about that for a moment. For every seasoned doctor or healthcare provider a picture you don’t see when you walk in the room typically -even when we are brand new and nervous students- is our anxiety. If we hide it well and have learned how to have a good bedside manner, everything we do will begin to come naturally to put you and your loved ones at ease. Often we feel fear. There our proverbial butterflies… No, make that a stampeding herd of cattle in our stomachs at times, complete with cramping and even rushes to the bathroom, hands shaking, but we try not to portray any fear. 

  There’s a reason it’s called practicing medicine. 

We begin as a novice and we practice and practice and practice some more until we become more confident. Then a new skill or new patient problem presents itself and we feel new all over again. This does not mean that we shouldn’t have your trust though let me tell you, even the seasoned healthcare provider gets stumped probably at least once a day. There are so many different illnesses, diseases, disorders and rashes, all the rashes! Even though we can’t snap our fingers and have the answers quickly every single time one of the things we are trained on is how to find the answers, how to rule out the scary things, and how to make sure that we have covered our bases. 

 Oh the stories I could tell as a nursing student, brand new nurse, then seasoned nurse, then nurse practitioner student… The cringe worthy stories, the times I have had to clean up vomit, been peed on, had urine flying across the room while catheterizing somebody, the time I opened a speculum like a bag of peanuts and it went flying across the room (at least not hitting the patient in the head)… Sometimes all you can do is laugh and try harder. Smile and learn. LEAN IN to the discomfort.

 I am a firm believer that life is about learning and when we stop learning we start dying. That might sound intense but it’s true. We all know somebody who has hit a certain old age and has given up on their hobbies and interests, has let their passions fall aside and then they just wait it out… For what, for death? No thanks. I want every ounce of all this life has to offer. 

I am a perpetual student -at least have been for the past God only knows how many years-and yes, when I finish my nurse practitioner program I will have a second Master's degree (remember, once upon a time I trained to be an educator, honing skills I will never regret having). I used to be ashamed of that almost because it meant that I was indecisive.  

Now honestly, I embrace it. 

Yes learning is my vice. It could be a lot worse. My loved ones tease me at times about being a "professional student." Matt teased me just this AM (out of love I know), and I stopped him in his tracks because instead of laughing and shrugging as usual, I said, "Yep, I love to learn, and that's not something to be ashamed of." Matt hesitated then smiled and nodded. Maybe my sweet, talented son needs more of that from his mama. People, portray yourself truly, don't be afraid to be 100%, unapologetically you.

Maybe I seek adrenaline the same way that a bungee jumper does only I seek it with learning and new experiences. My way has proven much more expensive, but the rush continues on and on. We have to be scared in order to push and learn because that is where the learning takes place. DURING the awkward, cringeworthy, uncomfortable moments. 

 I can't speak for every doctor or NP I have ever met, but most have just amazed me. I have been in awe of their knowledge and expertise, their strength and confidence. As I get closer to being on my own and wearing my own white coat, I have a newfound respect. I can honestly tell you that these carers, they don't always have it all together, they don't always have the answers at their fingertips. Sometimes they are frustrated, messy, tired. Sometimes they shed tears about their patients or their marriage or children. Sometimes they make mistakes. Instead of this changing my view, it only makes me want to become one of these healers even more. They are REAL. They work very hard, they are always learning, and the respect that they have gained comes with the commitment made to continue to strive to be excellent, to continue to be passionate about people. 

 The coat? It's a representation of all of this.