The Week Review in Quarantine(ish): A Daily Journal of Sorts

I began writing during week 2 of this stay-home movement if you will, so I will give a brief synopsis of what life was like during week 1 for my household. I hope sharing this journal gives you hope, laughter, and insight. I hope it lets you know that we are all in this together as we experience a range of human emotions.

Last week (week 1): 
For the first few days we talk of little other than Coronavirus. Are we taking this too seriously? Not seriously enough? What does this mean for everyone? Surely our leaders are looking at China and Italy and making informed decisions, right? Right? 

We struggle through the first week of “offsite education” for the boys, at once both annoyed with it all and thankful their education will continue without huge disruption. The boys are so resilient and adapt to their new online routine. I figure out how to videotape science projects and photograph homework to help them send in. Isaiah realizes his bday will be much different this year and Matt wonders about graduation, but other than that they stay positive.

 I, on the other hand, spend about 3-4 days crying in the shower where they cannot see me about the loss of Isaiah’s first year of baseball and Matt’s 8th grade season, about Matt likely not having a graduation where he speaks to his class, and about Isaiah having a solitary 12th bday in a few weeks instead of the shindig we’d already planned at the bowling alley. I cry not only for them losing these precious moments but for me losing getting to see them experience them. I feel like a small part of their childhood is being ripped away and I am angry. I am in disbelief. 

I think of all those affected by potential job and wage loss and I feel so heavy. I wonder if I will need to get a different job. Things at my work are weird right now. Should I go somewhere else to be more helpful? But I love my team and I don’t want to leave them. I mourn the loss of my Immersion Weekend in Boston where I was to meet my classmates from my FNP Program, learn to suture wounds, and would be presented with a white coat as a rite of passage that I am ready to see patients in clinical-another step in my journey to becoming an NP. Will I still have clinical?? I am due to start in May. Will I graduate on time? Will nurse practitioners be as needed a year from now? I am sad about all of this. If I think too long about everything, my anxiety is too much to bear.

Will Barrett lose his job? His work in IT is slower now too. What do we do about other parts of our normal daily life? Piano lessons? Our housekeeper we employ twice a month? 
We keep up daily routines as much as we can. We help Barrett's grandparents get moved in to their new home on our property. Great timing, we think-to have us all near.

Sunday 3/22/2020: 
We began the day with breakfast and relaxing, then watched our pastor deliver a sermon online. It was a lazy day at home with a warm fire, movies, and lots of snacking. Thank God for a property to walk on and online yoga to keep us healthy!

mudpuppy 

Monday 3/23/2020: 
No class for me today, but I took an exam for my health assessment course. I got a high ‘B’ and am okay with that as I hardly studied last week. School for me continues but seems somewhat less important. They are scrambling as well to find a new normal. No school this week for the boys as it is ironically spring break. We baked cookies this afternoon, peanut butter banana. Then Barrett and I demolished the kids at Pictionary. We laughed so much. 

Tuesday: 3/24/2020: 
I worked today. I still leave the house 2 days weekly for work. Work is crazy stressful right now and ever changing, but my team is working as hard as they can to stay positive. We are having hours cut down, and people are scared and frustrated. The docs try to balance offering comprehensive care with keeping patients safe and healthy which means more telemedicine (brand new to us just last week).There is a feeling of everyone being on edge. These jobs we felt we knew so well are now foreign. We know so little. I stay positive for my team and cry on the commute home. What will become of our department? My home away from home...Surely we are still needed. We keep children healthy, we help them get well, we catch and treat diseases. That can't stop, can it? I tear up just writing those thoughts. To so many of us there, this is what we do.

Wednesday: 3/25/2020:
I attended class online this morning, same as usual, while the boys hung out with Nan and Pop and Barrett worked in his home office. The boys and I played 2-1 basketball and laughed so hard we could barely breathe. Then we went for a walk and visited (from 6+feet apart) our neighbor and looked at his classic cars. We began The Horse Whisperer movie and even attended a yoga class together via Zoom. 

Thursday: 3/26/2020: 
Isaiah and I did yoga together this morning, and the boys did a few chores while I showered. Today the boys and I went to town and they waited in the car while I grabbed some groceries. I had entire aisles to myself as everyone distanced. We took bread, jam, peanut butter, fruit and snacks to a local church who was collecting donations for the Lebanon School District. The schools are sending home care bags to student families who may not have had food at home. It was a small way to do something to help. I told the boys we were changing the world one no longer hungry child at a time. We came home and made guacamole and chips, then baked lemon bars and made homemade orange/lemonade. We visited Grandma and Grandpa who are getting settled into their new home, and helped move some furniture and hang curtains. I had class from 4-5:30PM, and then we had their dad over for dinner. We had a feast! Steak, chicken, potatoes and carrots and a big salad with our desserts as well (and a few cocktails). We played “cornhole” bean bag toss and laughed a lot. The isolation may make us all better friends. 

Friday 3/27/20:
 In the now weird world of being essential or not, the question is “how essential?” Today was a work day, but hours have been reduced in our department and I am sure clinic wide. I worked 730-2 instead of 730-5PM. I was thankful for what felt like a more normal day than the past few shifts I have worked. I took a steady amount of advice calls regarding rashes, pink eye, and other common childhood ailments. It was refreshing to get normal calls. I spoke to my providers about telemedicine and scheduled some patients. It was also somewhat nice to leave in the afternoon. Barrett and I went for a “date” which of these days does not involve much. We drove to Albany and went grocery shopping and treated ourselves to a burger and milkshake. These days a change of scenery is novel. Then the kids got dropped off by their dad after spending the night with him, and we did a virtual yoga class. We began a movie but I was worn out and had to wake up early the next morning to work from home for the first time on the triage line, so I headed to bed. 

The family who yogas together...

Saturday 3/28/20:
 Awoke at 6:45AM so that I could have coffee, breakfast and yoga before taking a shower, putting on comfy leggings, and logging in to my first ever WFH shift. I have been a nurse for 3.5 years, and it’s funny because the bulk of that time has been spent honing my triage skills. First as a nurse in urgent care, and then the majority of the past 3 years as a triage/advice RN in pediatrics. I am taught to quickly rule out worst case scenarios. With COVID-19 my nursing role changed again. I was told a few weeks ago I would be part of a clinic triage call queue that patients as well as anyone in the community could call with questions regarding coronavirus. I have spent the last 3 years talking with parents about their children and have now entered the world of adult medicine again. This is in addition to my normal job in pediatrics where I have lost some hours each week due to reduced schedules, so I am happy to do my part and try to stay up to date on the latest, ever-changing guidelines, symptoms, and concerns regarding COVID-19. I am also happy this means (for now) that I am not deficient in hours because I have picked up extra shifts working this triage line. I guess this additional role can go on my next resume! 

I had just 6 calls today in my four hour shift, but they all seemed to come at once and be complex. I am not used to adults with so many medical problems.  It is a definite learning curve as is using the technology to work from home. Patients are scared, sometimes panicked, and I help calm, educate, and if needed-get them to the next level of care. I am not on the frontlines, but nevertheless proud to do this small part to help. 
After my shift I spent another 2 hours on my laptop for my classes for school. Always learning. Then our family took a walk on the trails on our property in the rain-we needed to get out! We made fajitas for dinner and lounged with a movie. It’s not a bad life, even with all the changes. I am ever grateful for my warm home, a pantry full of food, and my family next to me. 

work from home

Sunday 3/29/20: 
Today is Sunday as I write. I woke up early and more tired than I would like. After some coffee and a hot bath, the boys joined me for a 25 min yoga video. Barrett made us bacon, eggs, toast, and fried potatoes. I work from home again today and am a bit less excited than I was about it yesterday. We don’t have enough test kits in the entire state (heck probably the country) to test all the people I would recommend testing, so it is frustrating as a nurse to not be able to provide that. We are told that the test doesn’t change the care guidelines on staying home, quarantined, or going to the ED if shortness of breath becomes severe, but I just can’t help but think testing gives peace of mind. It lets people know what to expect in some ways. Testing also provides us a better way to track how many people have had this virus and recovered versus those who have needed intensive care. Testing the most serious cases skews the mortality/recovery rates. I think we all know this, but continue to do the best with what we have which leaves many of us feeling helpless. I know it could be worse, way worse. I am not (currently) a nurse who is caring for sick patients face-to-face with lack of PPE. I am not having to cobble supplies together...but the entire morale of healthcare is affected right now. We are sad, scared, stressed. We want to do more. 

The kids looked at me like I was crazy last night when we were watching a movie about a soldier who re-upped his tour of duty after 9/11. Isaiah asked me why someone would do that and I explained this is similar to the nurses, doctors, and assistants who are flying in to New York right now to help with this pandemic. I still get chills when I type those words-we are living through a pandemic currently-wow. The boys asked if I would do that and I told them I would not because of them. My place is with them. I choose being a mom over the extra help I could give and I feel guilty even writing those words though. If it were just me or even just Barrett and I, I would be on the frontlines offering my training. I am not ventilator trained, but I have the heart and mind of a nurse, and you bet your butt I would be proud to learn and to lend a hand. 

Life is weird, surreal right now. 

This afternoon we will do online church, take a hike in the rain on the property and maybe bake something yummy. I have geared up for the next few weeks with activities such as books, puzzles, science projects, and crafts.

The boys and I have had lots of good talks. What was life like for Anne Frank? Certainly much harder than us being able to work, attend school, and be together and still FREE in many ways right now. Puts things in perspective. As I reflect on the sadness and panic I felt last week, I will say that so far there are many positives too. The lack of baseball this season is giving me dozens more hours with my sons each week. We talk, we laugh, we play, we try not to worry too much about tomorrow and instead think on the good that we have right now. We are healthy and safe as I pray you all are as well. 

Find the beauty.

Wishing you joy in these moments, 
Sarah