Re-framing the View
Can I admit something to you my dear readers? Lately, I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself. You see, after an amazing family vacation in Costa Rica after the holiday (I know, I know...but keep reading), I had to return to school. I’m taking three courses this term, which is one more than my plan of study calls for. It means hours and hours more work each week and meant that I had to take on an additional student loan (they call these "PLUS" loans) on top of my already burgeoning debt. It means that I am annoyed, flustered and overwhelmed. Having only been back in class for two week with literally dozens of chapters to read and seven projects or papers for my "fluff" classes (you know, the non clinical courses we all despise), I have been in a mood. I’ve been feeling like everything gets in the way of accomplishing my goal. I even began to doubt myself and wonder why in the world I was striving for this when it took so much time and energy away from everything else in my life.
I have been feeling resentful of things that take time away from school. Whether this is the laundry or my 20 hour a week employment, or (sigh)… even my relationships with my kids, spouse, family, and friends. I am cringing as I write that.
I have come too far and borrowed too much money at this point to do more than entertain for a passing moment the thought of stopping.
The other day at work I made a careless mistake. In the grand scheme of things it wasn’t a huge deal, but was the type of mistake that I don’t typically make. A provider pointed it out that night and I cried. She was not mean, was even kinder than I felt I deserved. She told me it is not often at all that I make mistakes like that. But I knew that I had made the mistake because I simply wasn’t paying enough attention to what I was doing. It wasn’t necessarily that I was working on other things or even daydreaming of my next vacation, but more that I was feeling so flustered and so spread thin that I didn’t even realize what I should have been doing. The nurse of one year ago would have gone above and beyond, not simply forgotten or neglected this task.
I sobbed that night on my way home from work. Ugly tears. Detailing all of my stresses and worries to Barrett who simply let me cry and asked what he could do. Then he reminded me that it was not only OK, but sometimes necessary to have a complete breakdown and then to pick myself up and put myself back together. If every wife could have a husband so wise and supportive, the world would be a much better place. Seriously ladies, if something unfortunate ever happens to me and you are single, I will HAUNT you if you do not snatch up this treasure of a man.
Today I sat in a bubble bath after working for four hours on perhaps the most boring paper I have ever put effort and time into in my life. Those of you who know me, I have done a lot of schooling, so that is saying something.
I was frustrated. Still feeling pretty down. And then almost like a lightning bolt from the sky it hit me. I kept saying to God "I am so overwhelmed right now." And then it hit me to change my frame of mind. Maybe it wasn't about what I needed to cut but simply how I viewed things.
My schedule is full. Very full. But I have the privilege of doing a program that is all the way across the United States in leggings and a sweatshirt from my couch by the fire. I have the privilege to be able to take out more student loans even though they will be burdensome; I know that the degree will be worth it. I have the extreme, incredible privilege to work for an employer who essentially let me set my own schedule each term to get not only the hours needed for a paycheck, but also to continue to get wonderful experience and network opportunities in a population that I love, working with people I consider friends and mentors.
My boys, a teen and a tween, don’t seem to need me as much right now. When they do it is BIG heart stuff, and I love it so much. The mundane tasks of the early years of parenting are mostly gone, and that's good because my energy is at an all time low by then end of the day. I am grateful they still want me at games and still need help with homework, and like to veg on the couch and watch movies or shows with me like This is Us (which can be a bit adult, but OH the conversations we have about it). I am so grateful for that.
I am grateful for a husband who looks for every way under the sun to support me in finishing my education and my goals. Whether it’s having a housekeeper come twice a month or taking over almost all of the cooking, or whisking me off to the snow when I need a break, his support is invaluable. Seriously, he is the Randall Pearson to my Beth (gotta watch This is Us, guys).
I am grateful for parents who feed my sons breakfast every single morning before they go off to school. Many times I join them as well. I have an amazing support system. It’s one of the reasons I can study as hard and set such a high goals.
You know it dawned on me that the way you realize the things you are so very grateful for, even when sometimes you feel like they are burdens, is to imagine if somebody tried to take them away.
If you tried to take away this NP program that causes so much blood, sweat, and tears, I would fight tooth and nail for it. Not because I want the title. Not because I want the fancy diploma on my wall. But because of what is behind it. Because of my desire to be a bigger part of healthcare, preventative care, and hopefully mental health care than I already am. Because of my drive to help and serve others. Sometimes, all we need is a reframing of our priorities.
That being said, when you hear me talk about how crazy my schedule can be and you wonder why in the world I take on another thing like a church event or mentoring workshops to mentor a teenager in the community, or volunteer speaking engagements at local high schools, know that it is because I value the relationship with my God and the people I’ve been called to serve in the unique ways that I can help. I am saying YES this year even though I have less time, but believe me, I am also learning my limits.
I crack sometimes, like a delicately fragile vase, but HE puts me back together in ways more beautiful than ever before, reminding me who I am and who I am meant to become.
I have been feeling resentful of things that take time away from school. Whether this is the laundry or my 20 hour a week employment, or (sigh)… even my relationships with my kids, spouse, family, and friends. I am cringing as I write that.
I have come too far and borrowed too much money at this point to do more than entertain for a passing moment the thought of stopping.
The other day at work I made a careless mistake. In the grand scheme of things it wasn’t a huge deal, but was the type of mistake that I don’t typically make. A provider pointed it out that night and I cried. She was not mean, was even kinder than I felt I deserved. She told me it is not often at all that I make mistakes like that. But I knew that I had made the mistake because I simply wasn’t paying enough attention to what I was doing. It wasn’t necessarily that I was working on other things or even daydreaming of my next vacation, but more that I was feeling so flustered and so spread thin that I didn’t even realize what I should have been doing. The nurse of one year ago would have gone above and beyond, not simply forgotten or neglected this task.
I sobbed that night on my way home from work. Ugly tears. Detailing all of my stresses and worries to Barrett who simply let me cry and asked what he could do. Then he reminded me that it was not only OK, but sometimes necessary to have a complete breakdown and then to pick myself up and put myself back together. If every wife could have a husband so wise and supportive, the world would be a much better place. Seriously ladies, if something unfortunate ever happens to me and you are single, I will HAUNT you if you do not snatch up this treasure of a man.
Today I sat in a bubble bath after working for four hours on perhaps the most boring paper I have ever put effort and time into in my life. Those of you who know me, I have done a lot of schooling, so that is saying something.
I was frustrated. Still feeling pretty down. And then almost like a lightning bolt from the sky it hit me. I kept saying to God "I am so overwhelmed right now." And then it hit me to change my frame of mind. Maybe it wasn't about what I needed to cut but simply how I viewed things.
My schedule is full. Very full. But I have the privilege of doing a program that is all the way across the United States in leggings and a sweatshirt from my couch by the fire. I have the privilege to be able to take out more student loans even though they will be burdensome; I know that the degree will be worth it. I have the extreme, incredible privilege to work for an employer who essentially let me set my own schedule each term to get not only the hours needed for a paycheck, but also to continue to get wonderful experience and network opportunities in a population that I love, working with people I consider friends and mentors.
My boys, a teen and a tween, don’t seem to need me as much right now. When they do it is BIG heart stuff, and I love it so much. The mundane tasks of the early years of parenting are mostly gone, and that's good because my energy is at an all time low by then end of the day. I am grateful they still want me at games and still need help with homework, and like to veg on the couch and watch movies or shows with me like This is Us (which can be a bit adult, but OH the conversations we have about it). I am so grateful for that.
I am grateful for a husband who looks for every way under the sun to support me in finishing my education and my goals. Whether it’s having a housekeeper come twice a month or taking over almost all of the cooking, or whisking me off to the snow when I need a break, his support is invaluable. Seriously, he is the Randall Pearson to my Beth (gotta watch This is Us, guys).
I am grateful for parents who feed my sons breakfast every single morning before they go off to school. Many times I join them as well. I have an amazing support system. It’s one of the reasons I can study as hard and set such a high goals.
You know it dawned on me that the way you realize the things you are so very grateful for, even when sometimes you feel like they are burdens, is to imagine if somebody tried to take them away.
If you tried to take away this NP program that causes so much blood, sweat, and tears, I would fight tooth and nail for it. Not because I want the title. Not because I want the fancy diploma on my wall. But because of what is behind it. Because of my desire to be a bigger part of healthcare, preventative care, and hopefully mental health care than I already am. Because of my drive to help and serve others. Sometimes, all we need is a reframing of our priorities.
That being said, when you hear me talk about how crazy my schedule can be and you wonder why in the world I take on another thing like a church event or mentoring workshops to mentor a teenager in the community, or volunteer speaking engagements at local high schools, know that it is because I value the relationship with my God and the people I’ve been called to serve in the unique ways that I can help. I am saying YES this year even though I have less time, but believe me, I am also learning my limits.
I crack sometimes, like a delicately fragile vase, but HE puts me back together in ways more beautiful than ever before, reminding me who I am and who I am meant to become.
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