What Lights You Up
This morning at church I ran into an old friend. She spoke animatedly about a project that she may begin, and said, "I just felt my whole body light up from inside." I am so thrilled for her, and it really got me thinking, especially as she asked, "Is that how you are with NP school?"
"No, not even close," I said, "but I'm doing it."
I relayed this conversation to Barrett and it saddened him. I guess it saddens me as well. Here we are making monthly sacrifices of time, money and energy in the hopes that this new goal will light me up. What if it doesn't? What if it is the wrong goal? Am I the ONLY one in the world to pursue something this difficult and all-consuming somewhat halfheartedly? Any doctors or lawyers out there who said "this seems like the next best step?"
I hope so. NP school does not light me up. It is grueling drudgery and I expect it to become more so, not less over the next few years. Maybe clinical will be exciting, but the work I am putting in now...nope. The goal does excite me...somewhat. Maybe my excitement meter is just broken. I have pursued too many things maybe. NP school is logical. It is a stopping point. It is a way to gain knowledge, autonomy, and of course a higher salary for the rest of my working life. But oh how I wish it lit me up. I know that feeling she speaks of. It is when your whole soul feels drawn to something, is yearning for something, is fulfilled by something. It is when you can use your God-given talents/traits and it just seems like the perfect FIT.
Sometimes I get that feeling being a mama to my boys and a wife to an amazing man. Every now and again I get it as a nurse, but it is few and far between-much less often than I had hoped. I get that feeling when we travel sometimes, and I felt it often, though not always, as a teacher to teenagers (but not as much as a teacher to littles).
So when Barrett asks me what would light me up, I feel like I am ungrateful for all that already has, or ungrateful for the life we live and the opportunity to become a health care provider. The only answer I can give is working with teens. Maybe my future career will include some of this? Maybe I need to learn to seek it on the side by volunteering my time (though likely not while in school as this program is immensely time consuming).
Maybe we don't all feel the light all the time. Maybe we spend our lives chasing it, and are thankful for the times we have caught it, however fleetingly.
"No, not even close," I said, "but I'm doing it."
I relayed this conversation to Barrett and it saddened him. I guess it saddens me as well. Here we are making monthly sacrifices of time, money and energy in the hopes that this new goal will light me up. What if it doesn't? What if it is the wrong goal? Am I the ONLY one in the world to pursue something this difficult and all-consuming somewhat halfheartedly? Any doctors or lawyers out there who said "this seems like the next best step?"
I hope so. NP school does not light me up. It is grueling drudgery and I expect it to become more so, not less over the next few years. Maybe clinical will be exciting, but the work I am putting in now...nope. The goal does excite me...somewhat. Maybe my excitement meter is just broken. I have pursued too many things maybe. NP school is logical. It is a stopping point. It is a way to gain knowledge, autonomy, and of course a higher salary for the rest of my working life. But oh how I wish it lit me up. I know that feeling she speaks of. It is when your whole soul feels drawn to something, is yearning for something, is fulfilled by something. It is when you can use your God-given talents/traits and it just seems like the perfect FIT.
Sometimes I get that feeling being a mama to my boys and a wife to an amazing man. Every now and again I get it as a nurse, but it is few and far between-much less often than I had hoped. I get that feeling when we travel sometimes, and I felt it often, though not always, as a teacher to teenagers (but not as much as a teacher to littles).
So when Barrett asks me what would light me up, I feel like I am ungrateful for all that already has, or ungrateful for the life we live and the opportunity to become a health care provider. The only answer I can give is working with teens. Maybe my future career will include some of this? Maybe I need to learn to seek it on the side by volunteering my time (though likely not while in school as this program is immensely time consuming).
Maybe we don't all feel the light all the time. Maybe we spend our lives chasing it, and are thankful for the times we have caught it, however fleetingly.
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