When You Don't Know the Plan

A little less than two months to wait to find out if I am in the program I am applying to. Every day I doubt. Every day I question myself. Is this what I really want? Will I be good at it? Is this the plan for me? Is the cost worth it? Is the time studying worth it? Do I want to specialize so much? Can I really help people? As I sit here with one of my favorite dinners ever (pad Thai, coconut shrimp, spring rolls, and Thai iced tea), I ponder how much to share and vent.

Super moment of honesty here (but don't hold it against me...?): I've been looking around at other jobs lately. I’ve been very bored by mine. I love the people I work with, but not necessarily the job I do. And yet… I am here for some reason. I applied to six other jobs and I prayed hard. I figured I could at least interview and see what I thought, and I don't HATE my job so it'd have to be a good deal to leave.  I prayed that if this was not the route I was supposed to take that God would close those doors (slam them shut! I prayed) and keep me where I am at. Two days later I got rejection notices from all six ! Last Sunday at church in the beautiful outdoor amphitheater I prayed. What is my plan God? And a still, small voice seemed to say “stay the course.“ I told Barrett, and explained to him that I just have this feeling that God wants me to stay in the clinic for now. I don’t know if that means they will give me the flexibility I need for when I am back in school, if it means a future later on working for them as a nurse practitioner, or if it is just the best place for this season of my life. I have no idea. I will also be the first to admit that though I pray, and though I want to trust very much, I also have a hard time trusting. Did I really hear God say that or was it just my thoughts?

I alternate back-and-forth sometimes on more than a daily basis on whether I should be a family nurse practitioner instead of a psychiatric nurse practitioner or whether I should “play the field“ as an RN and not be a practitioner of any sort for a while. I try to think what I would be interested in to do all day long. I think of some of my favorite cases at work. They are heartbreaking, frustrating, and super involved. They are almost always psychiatric. So I guess I am staying the course for now and will find out mid October. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This is definitely a time of uncertainty for me.

I have never had the problem of too few interests and passions. Too many? Yes! My career wants have run the gamut from everything to do with teaching, counseling, animals, and even interior design. Maybe as a Psych NP I can counsel, speak out at local high schools, employ the use of animals and design elements in therapy, be knowledgeable about pharmaceuticals used in psychiatry, and become an "expert" in a specialized area such as eating disorders or self-harm in teens (traveling to conferences to learn from existing experts)?  Perhaps I can teach a course or two and write some articles? These things all appeal to me greatly. 

I really enjoyed this article: People Who Have Too Many Interests as well as learning that many of the world's most successful people not only cannot narrow down their life to one passion, but they also subscribe to the "5 Hour Rule" which is reading about something you would like to learn about 5 hours each week. How cool is that? And... that is something I typically do anyhow. Right now I am reading about positive psychology and parenting as well as attempting to brush up on my Spanish. Yes, I am ALL over the place! Another great read: 4 Things You Can Do to Choose Your Perfect Career.

Barrett tries to counsel me, and he does great at it, don't get me wrong, but he says things like "I just want you happy." Me: "My happiness is not the goal of my life. Helping as many lives as I can along the course of mine is." Him: "Okay...., but I have to deal with you, so choose something you can tolerate well."

 Isn't that the bare bones of it? What job doesn't feel like a job? What is worth time away from home and family? What will I absolutely not tolerate? 

In the end, though the idea of it appeals to me immensely I will probably never be an ER nurse for example.  I would not tolerate weekends, holidays and night shifts for a very long season of my life. Schedule is huge to me, and I want to ideally only work 4 days per week (maybe 3), with no weekends eventually, no holidays, and flexible hours so that if my kid has a game at 4PM I can be there. I want to make many decisions for myself and my practice. I want my own office and I would prefer to see patients by appointment. I want time to write and learn further, and time eventually to volunteer-preferably with teens or animals (maybe both?). I want a minimum of 4 weeks (preferably 6-8) of vacation each year because I am nowhere near done traveling, and I know what I am worth (or will be). I want to be able to do some work from the comfort of my own home, even if it is just some research or charting. I want to be valued more for what I know and what my mind can do than actual hands-on skills. All of these things make me think that NP is a VERY good match, and psych would be great, but I think that Peds, Women's Health or Family Medicine would all work. I guess my goal if I don't get in to Psych NP is to either try again or go FNP instead...I did take a medical specialty/personality inventory, and psychiatry and family medicine scored very high, though on a different one emergency medicine was high! Go figure. 

I often try to think of my favorite verse. I am reminded that even though I don’t know the plan, there is indeed a plan.